another year comes to a close.
there's quite a lot of things to be typed (my first instinct was to use penned but hey, there's no ink being used here), so here goes.
---
lets start off with work happenings.
at the start of the year, the company outsourced me (and a few others) to a client company to assist with some of their works.
the person in charge was... erratic to put it mildly. partly because we were paid on a per hour basis as a consultant (i assume that it is not cheap), as time goes by his requests/demands became increasingly difficult to fulfill, or that it changes at a whim, leaving most of our prepared work to waste.
all these came to a head, when on the day i was to be demobilized, he actually shouted at me for being not cost-effective (since we were paid on a reimbursable basis) and then demanded for a point-by-point account on what i have done for the past three months while in their office.
i snapped, raising my voice and tearing while answering.
ultimately while he did calm down later on and apologized (and i also apologized) , i don't think that our (professional) relationship can ever be normalized again.
personally, i regret this entire fiasco (if you would call it such), and if given the chance to repeat this again, i should had done it in a more calm, controlled manner.
its a sobering reminder to take off those rose-tinted glasses (if i did wore them in the first place) that work isn't all fun and games.
on the bright side, there is a lesson to be drawn here - stay level headed. nothing good ever comes out when you're in a state of fury.
this should be my everlasting life goal - to stay composed at all times.
---
later in the year, i was doing some sort of a test run for a recently completed plant.
i was assigned to a head engineer to assist him with all the site stuff, and also to do some calculations.
these calculations were the first time i had experienced, and because of that i did extraordinarily slow to the point that he was often chasing after me for it.
worse still, i had to admit that i made several unacceptable mistakes e.g. linking wrong items etc etc.
to his credit, he really knows his stuff, and while he sure doesn't tolerate errors, he is more than happy to tell me where i went wrong which i do appreciate.
there's that sinking feeling that i don't know much, and how utterly incompetent i am at this current state.
don't get me wrong, i intend to right this wrong and get better, but it really feels bad to be this lousy.
i wonder how low i must descend before i bounce back up.
it feels like that is no floor beneath me (with regards to how clueless and inexperienced i am right now) and i am just falling at terminal velocity, with no end in sight.
...this feels bad.
---
at the same time, the industry itself isn't doing too hot.
i am not sure if this career path is ultimately the 'right' path, but i know that i don't have much time left to secondguess, as by the 3rd year goes, most alternative paths would be locked out.
you know, while i do embrace uncertainty, this doesn't sit too well with me.
i do like the job, but at the same time i just feel that something is missing.
the worst part is i can't even objectively describe what exactly i am missing.
its kind of a bad thing as it impedes me from committing more to this current job that i have.
how about this gary - lets reassess your own position once you hit the 3 year mark and have garnered sufficient working experience first.
---
of course, there were some bright spots, such as actually physically climbing up a distillation column or a air fin cooler rack. (once i accidentally dropped a highlighter ~50m above ground. to my surprise, apart from a hairline crack on the casing, the highlighter still remained in one piece. talk about sturdy!) or participating in several client activities.
all in all, not a good year when it comes to the job.
am doing several projects with a senior engineer in tow, but with the current dismal state the industry is, i am not sure if there will be more next year.
all these is making me into the (insufferable) pessimist.
i think this year has knocked some shine/enthusiasm off me to be honest, however, i am confident that i will regain them eventually, one way or another.
---
on other fronts, i have cleared grade 5.
i felt that i have cheesed my way through, having messed up quite a fair bit during the main pieces, and also during the aural section.
nevertheless i guess my interest isn't waning anytime soon so i decided to proceed to 6.
the difficulty in music theory has spiked considerably, however over time it gets managable.
the difficulty of the pieces/composition have ramped up too, but again, it gets alright eventually.
not sure if i will be taking the exam next year though, assuming that i won't get sent overseas for further experience.
---
additionally, i have also attempted JLPT as well.
granted, its at a rather casual level (4) and passing it does not imply that i am fully proficient.
again, i can foresee that my interest will continue spurring me to take on the next difficulty level (3/2).
results aren't out but i won't lose too much sleep over it.
---
on the thesis publication front, there are setbacks after setbacks, with (peer) reviewers expressing doubt or concerns pertaining to the thesis.
i guess it was right to go with no expectations of it; besides, i already got my value by presenting it last year anyway (albeit to a rather disinterested audience but hey).
if it still goes through then sure, i'm happy to have it as a bonus. if it does not, ah well its also fine too.
although i did asked if i could work with my professor for further research topics, i find myself short of time to commit (or rather too lazy, such as writing this ha ha ha).
i don't even know if i should commit to a masters, and if so, whether to continue down the same line or divert to a new field like data science. (hell, or even to continue studying in NUS in the first place).
i wish i had the foresight to see what is ahead of me for each decision; that would make things so much more easier isnt it?
---
i finally managed to take the (full) year duration to read up on investment through a book by FT during my spare time.
granted, while my interest in it isn't that strong, i think the knowledge will serve me well, given that leaving dosh in the bank is a losing proposition in the long term.
here's hoping that its not too late for me.
probably will be starting off with ETFs and government bonds, but i look forward to trying out other forms eventually to spread out the risk as much as possible.
---
as time goes by, i realize that others are already making headways into their own lives, e.g. marriage, progression in work, etc.
yes, i get asked by my mother every now and then when i will get married and such.
i am tempted to tell her that i still prefer dying while young than such, but surely that would be a dick move, and also raise red flags - thanks, but i'll pass on those counseling sessions, there are more pressing matters to attend to.
again, i got to stress that i am most certainly not suicidal, but if it so happens that i die one day, sure i'll take it.
besides, there's joy in doing things in solitude.
several weeks ago, i went to a piano concert alone. at first it does feel off, like something is out of place, however that thought gets suppressed once the concert started and i did enjoy it a lot. i look forward to attending another one sometime soon.
additionally, a few days ago, during one of my leave days i decided (quite randomly) to cycle at east coast back to simpang bedok using one of those rental bikes (since they were free for the whole of december).
i will readily concede that i am most definitely not proficient in biking; in fact i am probably just a notch above the 'unable to ride a bike' tier. there were moments that i almost swerved to a ditch. also, i am still wary of riding along the street.
it was a nice exercise in building proficiency, as well as exploring east coast (it has been almost a decade since i last went there).
although i should had used sunblock before biking though (i started at 11am); right now i still feel a tinge of static on my skin (probably sunburnt).
nevertheless, it was a fun experience (and one that i probably wont undertake in quite a while).
---
so yeah, all in all, 2017... was pretty much a downer year.
but i suppose its good to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs when it does come eventually.
next year (just like every other year) will be an important year in picking up even more skillsets, and abilities. additionally, 2018 will serve as a litmus test for determining the viability of this industry in the long term, and if it does goes south it is imperative i find an alternative path and fast, no later than 2019.
man, this certainly does not inspire confidence; but this is the (rather grim) situation that i am in.
you need to move upwards, gary, and fast.
---
oh, and i finally changed the blog's style to this simplistic one, due to photobuckets' p500 shenanigans.
guess it was overdue anyway.
---
so yeah, i guess thats about it really.
lets charge towards next year.
Sunday, December 31
Saturday, December 31
almost forget about blogging ha.
lets start.
---
so i've been working since mid july after commencement.
so far, its been alright, but i got to admit this pace is a bit on the slow end.
also, travelling for over 2 hours daily does kind of suck.
colleagues are alright, although i expect our interactions to be mostly on the professional/formal side. which is fine by me.
work wise i guess is fine as well, although it would not hurt to look at alternative career options.
i always have that feeling that just going through the motions during work just doesn't cut it for me; i got to find ways outside of work to advance.
... i have to, or i risk regressing.
this is especially true as time progresses and what is considered new is old by then.
---
having started working, i realize the true importance of free time.
free time is such a valuable commodity, to pursue things to further my ability.
to some extent, i feel like i've squandered quite a fair bit of my time in university but oh well haha.
nevertheless, i have quite a number of avenues that i want to advance as much as possible.
it does feel like a fight against time now, trying to optimize whatever free time there is to get things done.
---
can't really talk much about work since its probably sensitive, but currently am working off-site at jurong island for one of the oil refining companies.
i kind of like it really, never really like getting deskbound for the whole day anyway.
then again, that is the nature of the job anyway to sit down and think/design stuff.
---
... i've ran out of topics to write, as i've covered all of the good stuff in the previous post ha.
---
well yes, i'm attending a wedding by one of my good JC friend tomorrow.
goes to show how times fly, and people are moving on too one way or another.
guess i have got to be relentless too, in pursuit of improving myself.
---
with that, i guess i'll stop here.
its pretty short i admit, but guess even in blog writing, there's also off days isnt it? ha.
while i would say that i am ambivalent about next year, i have got to admit that on the whole, this year was alright.
therefore, gary, lets keep going and good luck!
lets start.
---
so i've been working since mid july after commencement.
so far, its been alright, but i got to admit this pace is a bit on the slow end.
also, travelling for over 2 hours daily does kind of suck.
colleagues are alright, although i expect our interactions to be mostly on the professional/formal side. which is fine by me.
work wise i guess is fine as well, although it would not hurt to look at alternative career options.
i always have that feeling that just going through the motions during work just doesn't cut it for me; i got to find ways outside of work to advance.
... i have to, or i risk regressing.
this is especially true as time progresses and what is considered new is old by then.
---
having started working, i realize the true importance of free time.
free time is such a valuable commodity, to pursue things to further my ability.
to some extent, i feel like i've squandered quite a fair bit of my time in university but oh well haha.
nevertheless, i have quite a number of avenues that i want to advance as much as possible.
it does feel like a fight against time now, trying to optimize whatever free time there is to get things done.
---
can't really talk much about work since its probably sensitive, but currently am working off-site at jurong island for one of the oil refining companies.
i kind of like it really, never really like getting deskbound for the whole day anyway.
then again, that is the nature of the job anyway to sit down and think/design stuff.
---
... i've ran out of topics to write, as i've covered all of the good stuff in the previous post ha.
---
well yes, i'm attending a wedding by one of my good JC friend tomorrow.
goes to show how times fly, and people are moving on too one way or another.
guess i have got to be relentless too, in pursuit of improving myself.
---
with that, i guess i'll stop here.
its pretty short i admit, but guess even in blog writing, there's also off days isnt it? ha.
while i would say that i am ambivalent about next year, i have got to admit that on the whole, this year was alright.
therefore, gary, lets keep going and good luck!
Sunday, July 17
and so it arrives.
it pains me to write this, but i suppose this will be a final farewell to NUS, if anything.
---
i'll start off with this final semester.
this semester has been nothing short of intense, in part due to the rigours of the design project, and also the need to do the very best i could, inspite of taking just one technical elective; guess those module planning did pay off in the end.
the design project has been nothing short of illuminating from an academic and non-academic perspective, to say the least.
from an academic standpoint, i get motivated to learn a whole lot of new stuff that wasn't, and will never be covered under the normal modules. for instance, mechanical modelling of a stripping column via solidworks and computational fluid dynamic simulation of a single distillation tray to illustrate the flow hydrodynamics within. i suppose they do me a whole lot of a good when i get to play with simulations.
additionally, it also reveals to me how woefully inadequate i am at the same time; things that i know that i do not know (in short, known unknowns). for instance, pump specifications, or p&id specifics. these will be things that i will have to remedy (and for good reason, which i'll elaborate further down).
i will readily admit there are also unknown unknowns which personally keeps me up at night.
from a non-academic perspective, it also underlines how important it is to find friends/people/colleagues who share the same goals, end-points with you. even a seemingly heroic task can be completed well if everyone's goals are aligned.
i think i've seen my fair share of individuals who would not hesitate to benefit themselves at the expense of others.
it personally disgusts me, but i can only watch in dismay as this supposed trainwreck continues. i do wonder if they actually realize that their own actions are actually harming others, or if they actually believe that they're doing it for the best interest of their own teams.
i can think of several examples. for instance, pushing work to others even though it is clearly within your domain (pushing the p&id design of the reactor to the heat integration section (which in this particular design project, is the most taxing section)), or internal strife/politics (its the same primary school 'i-don't-want-to-friend-X/i-can't-stand-X' mentality except its high stakes mode).
all these are pretty common in the workforce i presume for different reasons, but nevertheless, its pretty disparaging if you have to deal with such things.
then again, who am i to cast such judgment on others when i myself could had unwittingly commited them too?
with that said, i am deeply, deeply grateful for groupmates who i must say, put me to shame in terms of how hardworking they've been. i think its safe to say that i was one of the least hardworking of them all really (given how little i actually overnighted in campus for the project compared to them).
they are, and will always be an inspiration to me even when things goes to high hell for the rest of my life.
my personal thanks, in no particular order to david, bernard, dominic, nicholas, raj (...and guchao?!)
also, cheers to dominic for winning the top process design award.
(writing their names here for posterity, possibly to immortalize their names in this redundant blog)
---
also, a technical elective on petroleum refining.
pretty ironic to undertake this module, given that oil prices are tanking (as of january this year it was hitting sub-30's for brents/wti at least).
but that said, i personally enjoyed the module; in terms of practicality it goes high with CN3135. hell, i got actually questioned by an interviewer on that incidentally!
exams were kinda normal for a nus paper i guess, although there was a fair lot of content to grapple.
i joke that one of the module coodinator could easily pass off as an asian santa claus. (santa aspi)
---
finished up FYP as well, from last year to now.
had presented my research at an A*STAR forum together with another close friend, although i had to question the suitability of the forum for me (as i felt that it was more suited for comp sci individuals who were actually coding the simulation softwares, and not the actual applications (which i fall into)).
there was a particular indian individual sitting at the front of the conference/LT hall, whom my friend had spotted him saying along the lines of 'what the hell is this presentation, this is a waste of time; lets just cut short his presentation quickly'. i didn't realize it at all as i was trying to present my FYP findings within the time frame given.
got to admit, upon being told by my friend i was first surprised, then slightly annoyed, then finally... acceptance. its like the five stages of grief isnt it? ha.
i got to thank this individual though; he has unintentionally taught me that there will always be people who do not agree, or find your work meaningful. this is particularly true in academia and in work since they are focused on doing things they like or have an interest/inkling/inclination towards (or in the worse case scenario, exhibiting a case of domain dependence). of course, that does not restrict me from trying to sway that individual into having an interest in my research, but being just an undergraduate.... oh well.
it was fun (or a particularly harrowingly interesting experience talking in front of ~100 industrial people), at least.
so to that end, the correct (or perhaps most beneficial) reaction to it is to accept, and move on.
after all, you can't please everyone now can you?
also, had completed poster presentation as well, and (just) concluded writing two manuscripts for publication in an academic journal, which would had not been possible without help and assistance from my supervisor/professor in charge.
i've already been warned by my prof that the academic review prior to publication is going to be nothing short of critical and sharp, but i think that indian professional/individual has already provided me with the necessary sober reminder. thanks again!
i got to admit, my professor was a true saint in the grand scheme of things, from providing advice and suggestions when i hit a roadblock, to some of the administrative stuff too such as proofreading and also all the journal submission procedures. proofreading itself doesn't sound much, but given the fact that he had to proofread over 300 pages worth of documentation/report, it is no easy feat.
my sincere, personal thanks to you prof.
dr lim wee chuan, eldin, thank you very much!
---
and so, my grandmother passed away in mid april, shortly after submission of the design project, and before the final exams.
i do miss her from time to time, but i suppose its for the better.
i think it would be better for her to move on then to continue enduring such pain and agony.
hours before her reported death i was there to witness how her body was clearly gasping for air, and trying its hardest to continue surviving in spite of all the ailments.
that was a sight that i wish i wouldn't have to witness again, but i feel that this is inevitable given that we will have to die one way or another.
such is life i guess.
take care grandma, i'll see you sometime soon.
---
with that, i move on to another major aspect that dominated this semester as well - job hunting.
from the get go i was cognizant that the job situation this year ain't gonna be stellar especially for chem eng (given the falling oil prices), and i was right.
you know that something is wrong when the predominant hiring industry for chemical engineers are from the semiconductor sector (which in all fairness, is all fine and good but in (many, many) previous years it was the oil & gas/pharmaceuticals that were dominating all along).
think i dropped ~20 resumes, with only 5-6 replies. i presume those that did not provide a response had either found me unsuitable, or they had a hiring freeze.
had an offer from a EPC company which i've accepted and will be starting work in just a few days time (!).
granted, the pay isn't anything to write home about right now compared to civil service (which i've been scolded by some of my friends by being foolish not to exploit it) but its something i kinda like, and i believe that the growth/progression prospect will be worth it in the grand scheme of things.
well, only one way to find out isnt it?
...did i also mention how soul draining an interview can be? after every single one i feel like i've been drained of life, and just want to chill at a corner and relax.
---
i had a nice exploration of NUS for the last time a few days ago shortly after my commencement ceremony to see what has changed, and what hasn't.
for the most part, it was those places that i don't frequent often (i.e. places i went just for gem/ue's) that had some crazy changes.
for the record, the route was engineering E5 --> central library coop --> FASS canteen/LT9 (SSA1203)--> EU2301 tutorial room --> FASS auditorium/seminar room (EU2301)--> mochtar riady (cyberspace mod) --> business/computing canteen --> HR tutorial room --> I3 (IT1005 lab) --> LT23 via shortcut from business to science --> LT25 (chaos theory) --> science canteen --> engineering auditorium --> natural history museum --> utown SRC (ES2331).
i personally feel that arts/fass canteen is the worst of the lot; if i had to rank that it would go as utown > science > business >= engineering >> arts.
they've demolished the computer labs in I3 and are rebuilding it (possibly for office space)!
also, tried the shortcut between business and arts through the backdoor route along temasek lifescience lab to the pharmacy department. it is crazy steep in terms of the inclination!
man the whole science canteen has gone to high hell; they're demolishing it for good! there goes my hope of tasting that good western food.
had a nice sip of iced coffee again at good news cafe for the last time.
checked out the engine auditorium again where i had my last lecture (petroleum).
walked over to the natural museum where i could enter for free (saving ~20 bucks in the process if i eventaully visited it as an alumni)!
had a nice exploration of the museum as a first timer (and possibly the last time too).
took a D2 bus to utown, tried my luck to enter the SRC pool but by then my matriculation card had been dead already.
walked over to the ERC to see one of the seminar rooms where i had ES2331 ~3.5 years ago before evacuvating and heading back home.
man, i am going to miss nus.
---
now, to the question i had for myself.
i must concede that this 4 years did not provide clear-cut answers as to what i truly want for myself.
but i suppose it had been useful in eliminating stuff that i clearly have no inclination for at least, so i guess i am thankful for that at least.
well, i guess working will knock some sense into me.
---
also, had a nice little graduation trip with a friend to osaka and kyoto for about 8 days.
it was a nice whirlwind tour of the area, although we basically walked till our legs start to ache. the perils of free and easy i guess, when you don't have a driver to chauffeur you around.
it was fun trying to get around with my friend's expertise in japanese, as well as my pigeon japanese too, trying to navigate around busy intersections and source for local recommendation on food.
on the upshot, i get to explore places that are notably less touristy, places which you wouldn't really see much tour groups loitering. such places include the osaka aquarium, mino park, fushimi inari taisha, nishiki market and so forth.
that said, both of us did go for tourist traps too, such as osaka/nijo castle, USJ, etc because why not.
had a nice time actually shopping for books in kinokuniya/junkudo. i suspect if i told people that i enjoyed looking for books in japan, they'll probably give me the 'wtf is wrong with you' look. ha ha.
if there's a downside to this trip, it would be that it has spoilt me in terms of its standard.
for instance, i can't eat japanese food in NUS anymore having been exposed to such elevated standards; neither can i be fully contented with singapore's yoshinoya having tried the real deal.
...japanese curry (at least the authentic variants) are rich in taste, not the watered-down type i have tasted so far within singapore.
wished i had just a few more days to explore both places in greater depth, but hey i really really enjoyed it.
so tempting to try another free and easy in japan, this time either at tokyo, or kyushu/shikoku. probably the latter if i'm going to be sent to yokohama for work/assignment.
can't take guided tours (at least in japan) anymore. i am that spoilt after just one trip.
---
i had a nice little laugh when queuing for one of the 4D harry potter attraction rides in USJ.
there was a taiwanese family behind me, who were complaining about the lack of english or chinese guides/signages for the attraction. to that end, they used USS(singapore) as the basis of comparison.
man, i did not know that USS is that well respected; last i tried in 2011, i wasn't exactly impressed by it. perhaps i've been ambivalent to theme parks in general but i felt that USJ in general was a few notches up vis-a-vis USS.
but whatever i guess, ha.
---
and thus, working life beckons in.... 24 hours time?!
well i'll be damned really.
i suspect i'll be in a world of pain since i will have a lot of catching up to do and assimilating into the organization's culture, but hopefully i'll make that transition as quickly as possible.
i hope i'll be able to get up to speed asap and contribute to the fullest extent.
i would be lying if i said i ain't worried, after all, i am pretty sure the company also has some degree of expectations of me, and i will have to make good on them at least.
but i guess there's only one way to find out.
lets go gary, good luck!
Thursday, December 31
missing out a half-time post this year means that i have a lot of stuff to write about, so lets get into the deep end of it.
in chronological fashion too, to the best of my ability.
---
started off the year with an internship at a semiconductor plant.
pretty large organization, ~2000 individuals in singapore alone, with multiple plants in china, taiwan, us and so on.
by and far, i have to admit that it was actually quite enjoyable for that 5-6 months.
did a gamut of stuff, from investigating root cause of failure in chips from the production line, to identifying unknown compounds/substances (also, the banal aspect of writing closure reports) and those meetings with different departments too. while i got to admit that i felt like a deer caught in the headlights, nevertheless it was an experience to be had.
oh and did i mention that the amount of acid that i've handled during this six month is infinitely greater than the total amount that i've handled in campus labs? safety is job number #2315348 when i'm dealing with HF, H2SO4, aqua regia, aqua coria with just latex gloves and my ESD suit. suits me pretty well; i enjoy messing around with them.
accidentally splashed a drop of aqua regia on my wrist several weeks into the internship, man did it left a small red mark for several weeks before recovering. that said, my bad for not fully covering my hands (and also because the ESD suit was a bit too small for me but oh well).
ah and also, handling of a wide range of equipments; EDX, SEM, ion milling, laser microscopes, x-ray machines (without a dosimeter too, no less - yep in the industry, safety is a buzzword until an accident happens ha), sputter coating, sawing, etc etc. man, touching and using $0.5m++ equipments daily is so gratifying for some unknown reason.
going to the production line is like being warped to another dimension; you only hear the humming of the machines (hundreds of them in a room), and the occasional footsteps.
office politics was present, but fortunately i manage to skirt and dance my way around it neutrally. goes to show that it pays to be diplomatic; i got to admit, food diplomacy works very well when you're attempting to navigate and integrate into the department.
boss was pretty chill and down to earth, so were the associate engineers too. picked up tons of tricks and tricks from them.
and the amount of good food near the plant is impressive (that said tampines is pretty much at the bottom of the barrel largely because i'm bored of most food here, so i guess i've low expectations).
only real downer is having to wake up at 5 in the morning on a daily basis and reaching home at 7+ (essentially leave home before daybreak and reach home when its all dark), and sometimes having to stay beyond office hours to mop up any remaining reports or case requests, but i didn't felt that time was draggy for the most part; on the contrary i personally lament on how times passes so quickly when you've stuff to clear or learn.
had a job offer from them several months later in september, but i think i'll hold out for now; would like to see other industries relevant to chem eng before committing especially since the semiconductor industry in singapore is unfortunately a sunset industry.
in any case, thanks for having me; it was an honour working, and learning in there.
i enjoyed it.
---
concurrently with the internship, an evening friday date (read: module) in NUS on project engineering.
(i suspect if i write the module code, it's going to get hits from random people googling to see how the module is like, but here you go - CN5191).
done by a visting professor from a well-established engineering design firm, in conjunction with one prof in the dept.
i liked the module; content is realistic (i.e. practical, applicable to irl contexts). however, it is taxing in part due to the sheer amount of pre-requisite knowledge required; here's a non-exhaustive list - PFD, PNID, HAZID, HAZOP, SLD, plot plan, pre-commissioning phase/cold commissioning, hot commissioning, roles and duties/obligations of project managers, safety, project engineers, mech engine, civil engine, X engine(where X denotes engineering spec), ITB, technical reviews, bidding phases (who does what, what happens at each part, criteria for winning bids etc, grading (the civil engine type, not your academic one) CPM, PERT chart, lead/lag/float ... and this list goes on and on, and i'm spouting acronyms like nobody's business. if CN3135 was practical (which it was to me), this ratchets it up to 11.
i had to read up on textbooks on plant commissioning and other year 4 modules to make more sense of it. the visiting prof humor is a tad dry but i couldn't really care much on a friday night (the thought that people are partying when i'm listening to a lecture is a tad mortifying, but still no fucks given).
in terms of the work done, the two quizzes were cutthroat (as per the norm in a class of ~80-100), with a nice little twist - negative marking; you get penalized for half the total marks of the question answered wrongly. in cases like this, the winning move is not to move at all; don't guess when in doubt.
oh and did i mention that the answer scheme is nothing short of diabolical too? for one of the questions it was a true(A)/false(B) type of answer, the next question, it is also true/false, but in the form of false(A)/true(B). i can only wonder if the prof is trying to pull a fast one; he certainly gave a smile when i asked him that.
and the other component being the project, was also pretty insane in part due to insane (i.e. dedicated group members + leader) people who are hellbent on wrecking any form of opposition with a 300-page report with 30 full A3 drawings vis-a-vis the typical ~100 page reports.
i am thankful for knowing such insane people; it was fun working with them.
i suspect if its the same duo teaching the module again next time, they might be mistaken in believing that a 300+30 page report might be the norm, and that would be painfully funny to witness.
my apologies for those attempting to take this module this coming semester, and the near future!
(a+ for this module)
(also, i think i've accidentally written a module review which i'm not particularly fond of doing so)
---
also, mopped up UROP as well.
while i was unable to definitively establish the variables that affects undercooling, but at least i've managed to eliminate variable density and heat capacity as possible factors.
if i've to do a stab in the dark, my guess is the nucleation sites and how they're oriented which could affect cooling rates.
but i guess that's a story for the next individual attempting this UROP.
its been a nice year learning fluent.
---
spent the june holidays on reservist, and going back to learn hysys and doing fyp.
having the entire comp lab to yourself from morning till night is really nice i gotta admit.
---
cleared grade 4 piano.
whoops, i screwed up quite badly on the sight reading part but nevertheless still managed to pass.
in all honesty though, i didn't quite get the feel of all three pieces but i still manage to do decently enough.
onwards to grade 5 i guess, on time on target.
at least at this level more of the classical pieces are starting to appear such as mozart (viennese sonatina in c allegro), along with more jazz-style piano pieces.
but all them pedalling (legato or otherwise) is going to test my hand leg coordination pretty rough.
its going to be a blast mastering them.
---
with that, semester 7 (or semester 1, 2015/2016).
can't shake off that "its all going to be over that quickly by next year/i'm no longer a student soon" feeling when i'm in campus.
had an unnaturally relaxed semester with a three-day school week through some planning.
of course, most of that relax time is channeled towards FYP, or to the TE project (CN4238R,surprise another a+), or lab (CN3109) or HR2002 (group project/readings).
gotta admit, this semester has been a good run for me.
never would had thought i'll be going into extra time fighting to push for letter grades even at this juncture.
all of which would be pointless once i get a job.
well, i am grateful for even having the chance to do so, and i sure as hell will die trying if i have to.
--
sometimes when i'm in the comp lab, i do overhear others who're discussing about their future prospects, or what they've already applied to.
i gotta admire them, they've already made some serious strides towards it already, with some awaiting interviews or have just completed them.
me? i only had one thus far, and i'm not going to pin up too much hope that they'll want me to do a second round thereafter.
had that sneaky suspicion that i messed up the interview somewhat.
attended like two networking(codeword for complete waste of time) sessions for the entire semester. maybe i don't value small talk that much i guess.
best of all, i feel that i have an equal inclination to engineering jobs and non-engineering jobs too (mainly MFA) so in that sense i'm ambivalent to what job i want to take since i think i'll be able to cultivate the passion for it in due course.
and also pick up invaluable skillsets too.
i hope their job hunting process goes smoothly.
(and so too for me, next year is already touted to be a crappy time for graduate jobseekers, and ignoring the issue of underemployment too).
if i've to go overseas (preferably japan) i guess i'll be open to that option.
---
on the topics of jobs, when i talk to some in campus, they don't seem to be afraid of not being able to land a job (of their choice or otherwise).
their reason? because they have a degree from a local university.
or that the department is ranked fifth in the world (or is it? don't really follow them much).
to which i say this -
it is not the degree that defines you, but your personal character and attitude that does.
ranking and reputation all amount to nothing, when you dont have the necessary skillset or ability to back it up.
besides, you dont really need a degree to do a good job on something.
what one needs, is mastery and expertise obtained after years, or even decades of practice.
a shame that current society places such an inordinate emphasis on a piece of scroll, but i'm not at liberty to dictate what is right or wrong for society.
(ah and also how pay is tagged to degree scrolls, another bone of contention for most people too)
---
usually at this time of the year i'll be reading some notes for next semester (one last TE), but unfortunately with FYP it means i'll be going into overdrive writing pages and pages of stuff until mid january.
thank god for no page limits.
---
my grandmother's health has been in a wild, wild ride from the second half of this year.
in essense, it went along the lines of home --> ICU (~2 weeks) --> general ward --> home -->general ward --> rehab (for over a month) --> home --> general ward -->; home.
respiratory problems (water in lungs).
at least she's alright now, but at age 84, i got a feeling that this is merely a precursor for something worse down the line.
i hope she'll remain healthy for as long as she can.
---
so, back to the original question that i've posed to myself when i first entered university.
what do i want to do with myself?
even now i don't think i can definitively answer it, which is a pity.
lets see if the toughest semester of all can knock some sense into me.
---
apart from expecting the worst, i also find that it is also good to not overthink on several matters too.
not like it is going to change the outcome of that event now, does it?
those time spent thinking can be better channeled towards better things.
---
so with that, here's to 2016 and another year of unpredictability and uncertainty!
this year is pretty much the most gamebreaking (i.e. critical) year that i'll be experiencing but i look forward to facing them.
good luck, gary!
in chronological fashion too, to the best of my ability.
---
started off the year with an internship at a semiconductor plant.
pretty large organization, ~2000 individuals in singapore alone, with multiple plants in china, taiwan, us and so on.
by and far, i have to admit that it was actually quite enjoyable for that 5-6 months.
did a gamut of stuff, from investigating root cause of failure in chips from the production line, to identifying unknown compounds/substances (also, the banal aspect of writing closure reports) and those meetings with different departments too. while i got to admit that i felt like a deer caught in the headlights, nevertheless it was an experience to be had.
oh and did i mention that the amount of acid that i've handled during this six month is infinitely greater than the total amount that i've handled in campus labs? safety is job number #2315348 when i'm dealing with HF, H2SO4, aqua regia, aqua coria with just latex gloves and my ESD suit. suits me pretty well; i enjoy messing around with them.
accidentally splashed a drop of aqua regia on my wrist several weeks into the internship, man did it left a small red mark for several weeks before recovering. that said, my bad for not fully covering my hands (and also because the ESD suit was a bit too small for me but oh well).
ah and also, handling of a wide range of equipments; EDX, SEM, ion milling, laser microscopes, x-ray machines (without a dosimeter too, no less - yep in the industry, safety is a buzzword until an accident happens ha), sputter coating, sawing, etc etc. man, touching and using $0.5m++ equipments daily is so gratifying for some unknown reason.
going to the production line is like being warped to another dimension; you only hear the humming of the machines (hundreds of them in a room), and the occasional footsteps.
office politics was present, but fortunately i manage to skirt and dance my way around it neutrally. goes to show that it pays to be diplomatic; i got to admit, food diplomacy works very well when you're attempting to navigate and integrate into the department.
boss was pretty chill and down to earth, so were the associate engineers too. picked up tons of tricks and tricks from them.
and the amount of good food near the plant is impressive (that said tampines is pretty much at the bottom of the barrel largely because i'm bored of most food here, so i guess i've low expectations).
only real downer is having to wake up at 5 in the morning on a daily basis and reaching home at 7+ (essentially leave home before daybreak and reach home when its all dark), and sometimes having to stay beyond office hours to mop up any remaining reports or case requests, but i didn't felt that time was draggy for the most part; on the contrary i personally lament on how times passes so quickly when you've stuff to clear or learn.
had a job offer from them several months later in september, but i think i'll hold out for now; would like to see other industries relevant to chem eng before committing especially since the semiconductor industry in singapore is unfortunately a sunset industry.
in any case, thanks for having me; it was an honour working, and learning in there.
i enjoyed it.
---
concurrently with the internship, an evening friday date (read: module) in NUS on project engineering.
(i suspect if i write the module code, it's going to get hits from random people googling to see how the module is like, but here you go - CN5191).
done by a visting professor from a well-established engineering design firm, in conjunction with one prof in the dept.
i liked the module; content is realistic (i.e. practical, applicable to irl contexts). however, it is taxing in part due to the sheer amount of pre-requisite knowledge required; here's a non-exhaustive list - PFD, PNID, HAZID, HAZOP, SLD, plot plan, pre-commissioning phase/cold commissioning, hot commissioning, roles and duties/obligations of project managers, safety, project engineers, mech engine, civil engine, X engine(where X denotes engineering spec), ITB, technical reviews, bidding phases (who does what, what happens at each part, criteria for winning bids etc, grading (the civil engine type, not your academic one) CPM, PERT chart, lead/lag/float ... and this list goes on and on, and i'm spouting acronyms like nobody's business. if CN3135 was practical (which it was to me), this ratchets it up to 11.
i had to read up on textbooks on plant commissioning and other year 4 modules to make more sense of it. the visiting prof humor is a tad dry but i couldn't really care much on a friday night (the thought that people are partying when i'm listening to a lecture is a tad mortifying, but still no fucks given).
in terms of the work done, the two quizzes were cutthroat (as per the norm in a class of ~80-100), with a nice little twist - negative marking; you get penalized for half the total marks of the question answered wrongly. in cases like this, the winning move is not to move at all; don't guess when in doubt.
oh and did i mention that the answer scheme is nothing short of diabolical too? for one of the questions it was a true(A)/false(B) type of answer, the next question, it is also true/false, but in the form of false(A)/true(B). i can only wonder if the prof is trying to pull a fast one; he certainly gave a smile when i asked him that.
and the other component being the project, was also pretty insane in part due to insane (i.e. dedicated group members + leader) people who are hellbent on wrecking any form of opposition with a 300-page report with 30 full A3 drawings vis-a-vis the typical ~100 page reports.
i am thankful for knowing such insane people; it was fun working with them.
i suspect if its the same duo teaching the module again next time, they might be mistaken in believing that a 300+30 page report might be the norm, and that would be painfully funny to witness.
my apologies for those attempting to take this module this coming semester, and the near future!
(a+ for this module)
(also, i think i've accidentally written a module review which i'm not particularly fond of doing so)
---
also, mopped up UROP as well.
while i was unable to definitively establish the variables that affects undercooling, but at least i've managed to eliminate variable density and heat capacity as possible factors.
if i've to do a stab in the dark, my guess is the nucleation sites and how they're oriented which could affect cooling rates.
but i guess that's a story for the next individual attempting this UROP.
its been a nice year learning fluent.
---
spent the june holidays on reservist, and going back to learn hysys and doing fyp.
having the entire comp lab to yourself from morning till night is really nice i gotta admit.
---
cleared grade 4 piano.
whoops, i screwed up quite badly on the sight reading part but nevertheless still managed to pass.
in all honesty though, i didn't quite get the feel of all three pieces but i still manage to do decently enough.
onwards to grade 5 i guess, on time on target.
at least at this level more of the classical pieces are starting to appear such as mozart (viennese sonatina in c allegro), along with more jazz-style piano pieces.
but all them pedalling (legato or otherwise) is going to test my hand leg coordination pretty rough.
its going to be a blast mastering them.
---
with that, semester 7 (or semester 1, 2015/2016).
can't shake off that "its all going to be over that quickly by next year/i'm no longer a student soon" feeling when i'm in campus.
had an unnaturally relaxed semester with a three-day school week through some planning.
of course, most of that relax time is channeled towards FYP, or to the TE project (CN4238R,surprise another a+), or lab (CN3109) or HR2002 (group project/readings).
gotta admit, this semester has been a good run for me.
never would had thought i'll be going into extra time fighting to push for letter grades even at this juncture.
all of which would be pointless once i get a job.
well, i am grateful for even having the chance to do so, and i sure as hell will die trying if i have to.
--
sometimes when i'm in the comp lab, i do overhear others who're discussing about their future prospects, or what they've already applied to.
i gotta admire them, they've already made some serious strides towards it already, with some awaiting interviews or have just completed them.
me? i only had one thus far, and i'm not going to pin up too much hope that they'll want me to do a second round thereafter.
had that sneaky suspicion that i messed up the interview somewhat.
attended like two networking(codeword for complete waste of time) sessions for the entire semester. maybe i don't value small talk that much i guess.
best of all, i feel that i have an equal inclination to engineering jobs and non-engineering jobs too (mainly MFA) so in that sense i'm ambivalent to what job i want to take since i think i'll be able to cultivate the passion for it in due course.
and also pick up invaluable skillsets too.
i hope their job hunting process goes smoothly.
(and so too for me, next year is already touted to be a crappy time for graduate jobseekers, and ignoring the issue of underemployment too).
if i've to go overseas (preferably japan) i guess i'll be open to that option.
---
on the topics of jobs, when i talk to some in campus, they don't seem to be afraid of not being able to land a job (of their choice or otherwise).
their reason? because they have a degree from a local university.
or that the department is ranked fifth in the world (or is it? don't really follow them much).
to which i say this -
it is not the degree that defines you, but your personal character and attitude that does.
ranking and reputation all amount to nothing, when you dont have the necessary skillset or ability to back it up.
besides, you dont really need a degree to do a good job on something.
what one needs, is mastery and expertise obtained after years, or even decades of practice.
a shame that current society places such an inordinate emphasis on a piece of scroll, but i'm not at liberty to dictate what is right or wrong for society.
(ah and also how pay is tagged to degree scrolls, another bone of contention for most people too)
---
usually at this time of the year i'll be reading some notes for next semester (one last TE), but unfortunately with FYP it means i'll be going into overdrive writing pages and pages of stuff until mid january.
thank god for no page limits.
---
my grandmother's health has been in a wild, wild ride from the second half of this year.
in essense, it went along the lines of home --> ICU (~2 weeks) --> general ward --> home -->general ward --> rehab (for over a month) --> home --> general ward -->; home.
respiratory problems (water in lungs).
at least she's alright now, but at age 84, i got a feeling that this is merely a precursor for something worse down the line.
i hope she'll remain healthy for as long as she can.
---
so, back to the original question that i've posed to myself when i first entered university.
what do i want to do with myself?
even now i don't think i can definitively answer it, which is a pity.
lets see if the toughest semester of all can knock some sense into me.
---
apart from expecting the worst, i also find that it is also good to not overthink on several matters too.
not like it is going to change the outcome of that event now, does it?
those time spent thinking can be better channeled towards better things.
---
so with that, here's to 2016 and another year of unpredictability and uncertainty!
this year is pretty much the most gamebreaking (i.e. critical) year that i'll be experiencing but i look forward to facing them.
good luck, gary!
Wednesday, December 31
and just like that another year concludes, lets begin.
---
well i think i kinda undid my fine work the previous semester and i'm back to status quo a year ago. ain't got no one to fault but myself.
that said, i suppose while its still possible to attain statistically, realistically however i guess its rather improbable.
however, that doesnt mean that i'm giving up though; as long as there's even a sliver of a chance i'm going all out for it no matter what.
that said, been going to school almost on a daily basis during this holiday from day to night to do my urop project and so far it aint looking so good right now in all fairness.
also, been taking the time to learn hysys too and some readings for next semester stuff too. (i guess this is my way of atoning for my mediocrity this semester, if nothing else)
i guess i'm in a world of hurt right now, but i suppose its a matter or now or later; in any case, i might as well bite the bullet and suffer now rather than to taste the same horrors down the road (and possibly panic due to a lack of time).
also, realizing the actual scale of my impending final year project and also design project, i think its safe to say that whatever i've experienced up to now is child's play.
this will be one hell of a challenge (or struggle), but if that means building up my competency by all means i'm more than willing to take it.
well, time isn't on my side anymore is it? haha.
---
starting an internship at a semicon plant next week.
isn't exactly my first choice of work (wanted oil and gas but i was too lazy to apply through their dedicated jobs portal, goes to show how sloppy i am), but i suppose its cool to try out something different and see if its to my liking anyway.
after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
that said though i hope that i'll be able to cope with it (and not piss off anyone in the process).
(well gary you'll find a way to deal with it one way or another)
---
went to hokkaido for about a week.
i really liked the hot springs in general (soaking in an outdoor bath at 2am in the morning and seeing nothing but darkness? sign me up!), they make me feel warm and fuzzy somehow (well no shit i suppose).
i also personally liked their culture as well in spite of some flaws.
only downer is the occasional extreme cold weather which my body certainly isn't used to, but i reckon with time i should be able to acclimatise myself to it.
oh and i cant exactly speak japanese well either (havent even taken the N5 exam due to lack of time, go figure) but i was able to navigate my way alone with no difficulty.
perhaps a job in japan might be cool too.
---
been prepping for grade 4 this coming july/august.
i feel rather unprepared to be honest, since for the past 2 grades i've usually cleared all 3 of my pieces by this time but now, i'm barely halfway through the 3rd piece.
moreover, the sightreading section this time round isn't exactly 'cheese-able' as compared to before as well, so all the more its kinda scary.
but that said, it won't stop me from trying (and enjoying in the process too).
---
again, i still haven't found an answer to what i am or what i want.
but that said, perhaps i might come to terms with the possibility that there might not even be a satisfactory answer.
at least one thing is certain though - i still stand by my wish to die early.
---
guess there isn't much for me to talk about this time round since i've talked about the first half of the year in the previous post back in july/august.
in any case, here's to another year of challenges and fun times.
---
well i think i kinda undid my fine work the previous semester and i'm back to status quo a year ago. ain't got no one to fault but myself.
that said, i suppose while its still possible to attain statistically, realistically however i guess its rather improbable.
however, that doesnt mean that i'm giving up though; as long as there's even a sliver of a chance i'm going all out for it no matter what.
that said, been going to school almost on a daily basis during this holiday from day to night to do my urop project and so far it aint looking so good right now in all fairness.
also, been taking the time to learn hysys too and some readings for next semester stuff too. (i guess this is my way of atoning for my mediocrity this semester, if nothing else)
i guess i'm in a world of hurt right now, but i suppose its a matter or now or later; in any case, i might as well bite the bullet and suffer now rather than to taste the same horrors down the road (and possibly panic due to a lack of time).
also, realizing the actual scale of my impending final year project and also design project, i think its safe to say that whatever i've experienced up to now is child's play.
this will be one hell of a challenge (or struggle), but if that means building up my competency by all means i'm more than willing to take it.
well, time isn't on my side anymore is it? haha.
---
starting an internship at a semicon plant next week.
isn't exactly my first choice of work (wanted oil and gas but i was too lazy to apply through their dedicated jobs portal, goes to show how sloppy i am), but i suppose its cool to try out something different and see if its to my liking anyway.
after all, nothing ventured, nothing gained.
that said though i hope that i'll be able to cope with it (and not piss off anyone in the process).
(well gary you'll find a way to deal with it one way or another)
---
went to hokkaido for about a week.
i really liked the hot springs in general (soaking in an outdoor bath at 2am in the morning and seeing nothing but darkness? sign me up!), they make me feel warm and fuzzy somehow (well no shit i suppose).
i also personally liked their culture as well in spite of some flaws.
only downer is the occasional extreme cold weather which my body certainly isn't used to, but i reckon with time i should be able to acclimatise myself to it.
oh and i cant exactly speak japanese well either (havent even taken the N5 exam due to lack of time, go figure) but i was able to navigate my way alone with no difficulty.
perhaps a job in japan might be cool too.
---
been prepping for grade 4 this coming july/august.
i feel rather unprepared to be honest, since for the past 2 grades i've usually cleared all 3 of my pieces by this time but now, i'm barely halfway through the 3rd piece.
moreover, the sightreading section this time round isn't exactly 'cheese-able' as compared to before as well, so all the more its kinda scary.
but that said, it won't stop me from trying (and enjoying in the process too).
---
again, i still haven't found an answer to what i am or what i want.
but that said, perhaps i might come to terms with the possibility that there might not even be a satisfactory answer.
at least one thing is certain though - i still stand by my wish to die early.
---
guess there isn't much for me to talk about this time round since i've talked about the first half of the year in the previous post back in july/august.
in any case, here's to another year of challenges and fun times.
Wednesday, August 13
i somewhat realized that i've pretty much almost forgetton to write stuff for the first half of this year, so whoops, let's not wait any further and begin.
---
so semester 2, 2013-2014 has concluded.
got to say that its been a very good run, all things considered.
more importantly, it seems that the dream is actually alive; i actually have a fighting chance to make it right to the end with this.
... guess the only risk is that i somehow manage to trip and screw myself over.
in any case, as always, i'll just do my best and everything will fall into place as it is (at least thats what i hope, ha.)
good luck, gary!
---
been busy with UROP.
some research on how hot water can freeze faster than cold water under certain circumstances.
so far no breakthroughs, but been having some fun learning how to use the simulation programs at least.
only bummer part is that i gotta learn everything from scratch, but hey isn't university life the same as well? ha.
i foresee myself continuing to do this until next year at least, this will serve as a nice distraction from studies while i humor myself with computer simulations.
---
its funny how i'm already two years in, and i still feel like its year 1 sem 1 (or year 0, spec term).
time does fly i guess; in two years i'm off to the working world (unless i somehow decide to study further which i doubt so).
i have to admit that i really like my time in nus so far, and i will go so far as to say that i'll miss university life when i start working.
guess some people hate university life which i can understand, but i feel that it suits me rather well.
---
cleared grade 3 in july.
... and i actually somehow manage to one up my previous attempt too. that was really, really surprising.
well, off to grade 4 i go!
also, i can finally finish the entire sleepless city treno piece(although admittably it will take more practice to refine it to acceptable standards).
perhaps in few more years i can play any music that i want for my own personal enjoyment.
(and also add a wish list to get an actual upright/electone piano too).
---
sometimes when i decide to go on facebook and see how others are doing, i realize that i'm actually rather antisocial (as if that fact wasn't obvious enough to me).
acutally, antisocial isnt exactly the right word either; its more of 'i value personal time way, way more than talking to others' than 'i dont want to talk to anyone at all'.
but in any case, i think the end result is the same too ha.
well i guess i have to live with the consequences of my actions (and i'm more than happy to accept it).
----
sometimes i think about the future and what it holds, and i realize its an exercise in futility.
there's so many permutations and scenarios and possibilities that i can spend an eternity thinking about it, and yet i will get no conclusive outcomes or results.
---
i find that it is always best to hope for nothing, and expect the worst in all situations.
that way, you'll never be disappointed, and perhaps even surprise yourself if things dont go south.
perhaps some might see this as negative thinking (or any other terms that connotes negativity) but i find that its a better and easier way to see life as a whole.
---
i'll end my musings early as i still have many things that awaits me.
i'll probably continue more on my research project at the end of the year as usual.
---
so semester 2, 2013-2014 has concluded.
got to say that its been a very good run, all things considered.
more importantly, it seems that the dream is actually alive; i actually have a fighting chance to make it right to the end with this.
... guess the only risk is that i somehow manage to trip and screw myself over.
in any case, as always, i'll just do my best and everything will fall into place as it is (at least thats what i hope, ha.)
good luck, gary!
---
been busy with UROP.
some research on how hot water can freeze faster than cold water under certain circumstances.
so far no breakthroughs, but been having some fun learning how to use the simulation programs at least.
only bummer part is that i gotta learn everything from scratch, but hey isn't university life the same as well? ha.
i foresee myself continuing to do this until next year at least, this will serve as a nice distraction from studies while i humor myself with computer simulations.
---
its funny how i'm already two years in, and i still feel like its year 1 sem 1 (or year 0, spec term).
time does fly i guess; in two years i'm off to the working world (unless i somehow decide to study further which i doubt so).
i have to admit that i really like my time in nus so far, and i will go so far as to say that i'll miss university life when i start working.
guess some people hate university life which i can understand, but i feel that it suits me rather well.
---
cleared grade 3 in july.
... and i actually somehow manage to one up my previous attempt too. that was really, really surprising.
well, off to grade 4 i go!
also, i can finally finish the entire sleepless city treno piece(although admittably it will take more practice to refine it to acceptable standards).
perhaps in few more years i can play any music that i want for my own personal enjoyment.
(and also add a wish list to get an actual upright/electone piano too).
---
sometimes when i decide to go on facebook and see how others are doing, i realize that i'm actually rather antisocial (as if that fact wasn't obvious enough to me).
acutally, antisocial isnt exactly the right word either; its more of 'i value personal time way, way more than talking to others' than 'i dont want to talk to anyone at all'.
but in any case, i think the end result is the same too ha.
well i guess i have to live with the consequences of my actions (and i'm more than happy to accept it).
----
sometimes i think about the future and what it holds, and i realize its an exercise in futility.
there's so many permutations and scenarios and possibilities that i can spend an eternity thinking about it, and yet i will get no conclusive outcomes or results.
---
i find that it is always best to hope for nothing, and expect the worst in all situations.
that way, you'll never be disappointed, and perhaps even surprise yourself if things dont go south.
perhaps some might see this as negative thinking (or any other terms that connotes negativity) but i find that its a better and easier way to see life as a whole.
---
i'll end my musings early as i still have many things that awaits me.
i'll probably continue more on my research project at the end of the year as usual.
Tuesday, December 31
and yet another year concludes - lets start.
there's a lot of things i feel like typing down, so i'll try to organise my thoughts as coherently as possible.
---
i'll begin with special semester, part I.
took the EU history mod, figured it would be doable since i fancied history in general (and EU modern history was sort of a new area for me to venture into).
well it was doable and i scored decently, but i have reached at a particular juncture where it isn't good enough anymore so there goes my zero SU challenge.
that aside, i made one or two new friends and i'm pretty okay with it given the short 6 weeks available.
also, i liked the professor's quirkiness and his mode of presentation; if only engineering lecturers followed a similar style to it, absorbing and understanding the concepts would be so much more palatable and easier. alas, i know i know, engineering stuff are all numbers and logic, and 'dryness' is inevitable for the most part.
i believe i did mention that sem 2 results were released while this module was in progress, so yeah it kinda dampen my mood slightly (which is something i got to learn how to suppress better).
never thought that graded take-home assignments would be my downfall now huh, gary?
----
with that, part II begins.
this time round, a law module disguised as a business mod (gem).
professor was sublime, enjoyed her lessons well (although going to campus on a saturday for lessons is sort of odd[the last time i have to attend classes on a saturday was during college days, oh boy]) got to say though that the grading/'scoring' criteria is nothing short of cutthroat (as to be expected in a class of just 30).
met another same batch chem eng student as well and he's a pretty cool guy, 10/10 in my books.
you sort of know that a lecturer has taught well when the concept still sticks with you even way after the course has ended. i can still quote specific subsections straight from the various acts!
am rather curious about her book on copyright acts; if it isn't too expensive i would like to fancy a read. perhaps a stop to the law campus coop is in order?
---
with that, i say farewell to 2 years of special semester - i don't think ill be doing any more of it already which is a real shame since i liked how quiet and peaceful the campus is when it is during vacation period.
---
and thus we return full circle to semester 1.
can't say it isn't bad, in fact im pretty cool with it, all within acceptable losses.
but i got to say that unless i change my modus operandi, i will be hitting a glass ceiling sooner than i think.
i hope my luck is still enough to persist for another 5 semesters! ha.
---
i think its right about time i should initiate an internship in the next semester break (that 3/4 months break) since it is unlikely that i need to accelerate any further (only 1 UEM slot left).
i hope my contacts can still remember me though, hopefully my work back then was to their standards at least.
otherwise, a visit to the career fair would work too; i'm still thankful that i bothered to tag along with some friends to the career fair (as a year 1 idiot) to see what exactly it is about, and there were quite a fair bit of internship positions being offered.
i'll make the first strike before nus does.
---
oh and i cleared my piano exams during spec sem as well. (straight after a test in the morning, no less ha)
well color me surprised when the results were out, the score was right on the dot; not one more, not one less either.
granted its just grade 2 (i mean come the fuck on gary, even primary students can do it without making a fuzz), but lets see if i can take this to grade 5 by the time i graduate.
i just want to finish what i wanted when i was ignorant and young.
---
the thought of going overseas to study for a semester had crossed my mind during the course of this semester; some of my friends (i think i can call them that now since i feel at ease most, if not all of the time) decided that
the idea of going overseas is something i fancy, but there were three major negatives for me-
1. my cap isn't exactly top notch (subject to debate i know) and
2. you still have to study there (it's not a GET OUT OF STUDYING LOL PARTY 24/7 card)
3. its just expensive (since i'm not going to get any funds from nus anyway); sure my parents are paying for it, but i shouldn't be a complete dick and ask them for ten thousands just for my own whim and fancy.
all things considered, it feels like you can't really appreciate and enjoy the country you're visiting anyway since you're more or less bogged down in their campus so i figured it would be better to save that money instead, and possibly use it for holidays (or in my case, buy games to relax and chill at home, ha).
to each his own though, i can understand why some would want to go and i would support them in doing so.
---
speaking of overseas, went to turkey for about 12 days for a holiday.
pretty cool, only downside i can think of is its biting cold which left my lips cracking and the occasional nose bleed too [my nose has never bled once in singapore, as a reference].
visited a fair bit of historic sites, ranging from ruins to remnants of cities, including amphitheaters, temples, aqueducts and mosques.its like as if i was in a game of civilization v!
its aesthetically pleasing, and an engineering/architectural feat no less back in those days.
the stories behind the rise and fall of the romans, the byzantines and ultimately ottomans (leading to the formation of the modern turkish republic) are nothing short of interesting as well (scandals that put modern day scandals to shame).
i guess turkey strikes me as unique due to how it deals with religion, and how it deals with the whole eastern/western influences.
lets start with the easier one on influences.
turkey's sandwiched between the east and the west, as most would know.
the conundrum lies in designating it as either an eastern or western country since turkey has lands which spans between the two (so much so that the EU itself is also unsure if it should allow turkey into the union; lol that module sure helps huh).
but it deals with the influences well as it simply picks the best both sides have to offer (western technology/modernization, eastern philosophy/beliefs) thereby creating a unique identity for itself.
on the matter of religion, turkey's predominantly muslim.
the key difference being that its still overall secular in the sense that it does not restrict people from choosing to practice whatever faith he/she wants to, and that i feel is unique in a muslim country.
also, it also highlights that different religions can co-exist even in large countries (and not just singapore).
---
i guess i don't share the same level of buzz as most do with regards to the new year ; i simply see it as just another day in life.
sure, time and time again you see those viral articles like 'top __ resolutions to make for 20xx' and whatnot.
i guess they don't work for me, since i only need one, and have already one since last year, and its still working for me.
moreover, whats the point of having a resolution if you haven't even try to do it in the preceding year anyway?
i suppose its more of a psychology thing (which i do not intend to delve into detail) to many people.
or it could just be that i'm becoming more jaded. who knows? ha.
well, one year closer to your death gary, congrats!
---
on that same note, modern music no longer cuts it for me; i'm just tired of hearing songs on the radio that has 'party', 'fun', and other variation of similar types.
guess i'm getting too old for this huh, gary?
---
anyway i found yet another great pianist again by the name of mina kubota.
---
there's a lot of things i feel like typing down, so i'll try to organise my thoughts as coherently as possible.
---
i'll begin with special semester, part I.
took the EU history mod, figured it would be doable since i fancied history in general (and EU modern history was sort of a new area for me to venture into).
well it was doable and i scored decently, but i have reached at a particular juncture where it isn't good enough anymore so there goes my zero SU challenge.
that aside, i made one or two new friends and i'm pretty okay with it given the short 6 weeks available.
also, i liked the professor's quirkiness and his mode of presentation; if only engineering lecturers followed a similar style to it, absorbing and understanding the concepts would be so much more palatable and easier. alas, i know i know, engineering stuff are all numbers and logic, and 'dryness' is inevitable for the most part.
i believe i did mention that sem 2 results were released while this module was in progress, so yeah it kinda dampen my mood slightly (which is something i got to learn how to suppress better).
never thought that graded take-home assignments would be my downfall now huh, gary?
----
with that, part II begins.
this time round, a law module disguised as a business mod (gem).
professor was sublime, enjoyed her lessons well (although going to campus on a saturday for lessons is sort of odd[the last time i have to attend classes on a saturday was during college days, oh boy]) got to say though that the grading/'scoring' criteria is nothing short of cutthroat (as to be expected in a class of just 30).
met another same batch chem eng student as well and he's a pretty cool guy, 10/10 in my books.
you sort of know that a lecturer has taught well when the concept still sticks with you even way after the course has ended. i can still quote specific subsections straight from the various acts!
am rather curious about her book on copyright acts; if it isn't too expensive i would like to fancy a read. perhaps a stop to the law campus coop is in order?
---
with that, i say farewell to 2 years of special semester - i don't think ill be doing any more of it already which is a real shame since i liked how quiet and peaceful the campus is when it is during vacation period.
---
and thus we return full circle to semester 1.
can't say it isn't bad, in fact im pretty cool with it, all within acceptable losses.
but i got to say that unless i change my modus operandi, i will be hitting a glass ceiling sooner than i think.
i hope my luck is still enough to persist for another 5 semesters! ha.
---
i think its right about time i should initiate an internship in the next semester break (that 3/4 months break) since it is unlikely that i need to accelerate any further (only 1 UEM slot left).
i hope my contacts can still remember me though, hopefully my work back then was to their standards at least.
otherwise, a visit to the career fair would work too; i'm still thankful that i bothered to tag along with some friends to the career fair (as a year 1 idiot) to see what exactly it is about, and there were quite a fair bit of internship positions being offered.
i'll make the first strike before nus does.
---
oh and i cleared my piano exams during spec sem as well. (straight after a test in the morning, no less ha)
well color me surprised when the results were out, the score was right on the dot; not one more, not one less either.
granted its just grade 2 (i mean come the fuck on gary, even primary students can do it without making a fuzz), but lets see if i can take this to grade 5 by the time i graduate.
i just want to finish what i wanted when i was ignorant and young.
---
the thought of going overseas to study for a semester had crossed my mind during the course of this semester; some of my friends (i think i can call them that now since i feel at ease most, if not all of the time) decided that
the idea of going overseas is something i fancy, but there were three major negatives for me-
1. my cap isn't exactly top notch (subject to debate i know) and
2. you still have to study there (it's not a GET OUT OF STUDYING LOL PARTY 24/7 card)
3. its just expensive (since i'm not going to get any funds from nus anyway); sure my parents are paying for it, but i shouldn't be a complete dick and ask them for ten thousands just for my own whim and fancy.
all things considered, it feels like you can't really appreciate and enjoy the country you're visiting anyway since you're more or less bogged down in their campus so i figured it would be better to save that money instead, and possibly use it for holidays (or in my case, buy games to relax and chill at home, ha).
to each his own though, i can understand why some would want to go and i would support them in doing so.
---
speaking of overseas, went to turkey for about 12 days for a holiday.
pretty cool, only downside i can think of is its biting cold which left my lips cracking and the occasional nose bleed too [my nose has never bled once in singapore, as a reference].
visited a fair bit of historic sites, ranging from ruins to remnants of cities, including amphitheaters, temples, aqueducts and mosques.its like as if i was in a game of civilization v!
its aesthetically pleasing, and an engineering/architectural feat no less back in those days.
the stories behind the rise and fall of the romans, the byzantines and ultimately ottomans (leading to the formation of the modern turkish republic) are nothing short of interesting as well (scandals that put modern day scandals to shame).
i guess turkey strikes me as unique due to how it deals with religion, and how it deals with the whole eastern/western influences.
lets start with the easier one on influences.
turkey's sandwiched between the east and the west, as most would know.
the conundrum lies in designating it as either an eastern or western country since turkey has lands which spans between the two (so much so that the EU itself is also unsure if it should allow turkey into the union; lol that module sure helps huh).
but it deals with the influences well as it simply picks the best both sides have to offer (western technology/modernization, eastern philosophy/beliefs) thereby creating a unique identity for itself.
on the matter of religion, turkey's predominantly muslim.
the key difference being that its still overall secular in the sense that it does not restrict people from choosing to practice whatever faith he/she wants to, and that i feel is unique in a muslim country.
also, it also highlights that different religions can co-exist even in large countries (and not just singapore).
---
i guess i don't share the same level of buzz as most do with regards to the new year ; i simply see it as just another day in life.
sure, time and time again you see those viral articles like 'top __ resolutions to make for 20xx' and whatnot.
i guess they don't work for me, since i only need one, and have already one since last year, and its still working for me.
moreover, whats the point of having a resolution if you haven't even try to do it in the preceding year anyway?
i suppose its more of a psychology thing (which i do not intend to delve into detail) to many people.
or it could just be that i'm becoming more jaded. who knows? ha.
well, one year closer to your death gary, congrats!
---
on that same note, modern music no longer cuts it for me; i'm just tired of hearing songs on the radio that has 'party', 'fun', and other variation of similar types.
guess i'm getting too old for this huh, gary?
---
anyway i found yet another great pianist again by the name of mina kubota.
one of her piano solos titled 旅立ちの風 is calming. its like forgetting everything and attaining inner peace (at least for me).
i took a look at the sheet music and i think that i'll probably need at least half a year before i can probably play it, although not as good as herself of course ha.
its like as if piano is a CCA to me! (one man CCA that is, haha).
---
having undergone a year+ in piano, i feel that it was the right choice to undertake this commitment.
it has definitely served in providing a sanctuary for myself to take refuge in, and also in providing some sense of calm to me.
---
on the issue of understanding myself better, i am still nowhere close to a definitive answer.
i don't have much time left though before i officially plunge myself into the working world, which by then would be a tad too late in my opinion.
having undergone a year+ in piano, i feel that it was the right choice to undertake this commitment.
it has definitely served in providing a sanctuary for myself to take refuge in, and also in providing some sense of calm to me.
---
on the issue of understanding myself better, i am still nowhere close to a definitive answer.
i don't have much time left though before i officially plunge myself into the working world, which by then would be a tad too late in my opinion.
---
there's no time like the present gary, lets go and do your best again.
and as with everything, have fun!
Saturday, June 29
half-time special: one-year nus perspective
i have some time to spare before lessons/lectures start, so its time to go on a lengthy monologue on life so far.
---
in all honesty, i feel i got overconfident, and too oblivious which caused my own failings for this semester.
sure, by most people's definition it isn't exactly a failure but i still feel that it could had been much better, given that there were so many chances along the way and i still managed to fumble.
somehow, i feel like i kinda blew it. i got a tad too complacent after semester 1.
guess this is a good wake up call for me to realign my priorities and focus again, lest i commit the same faults again.
i don't want to commit the same error as i did back in jc, and i sure am tired of regretting.
---
on a lighter note to the previous section, if luck is a commodity, then i believe i may have already exhausted all my luck back then in sem 1.
well, good luck gary!
---
next semester will be a critical juncture, and it is essential that i do whatever in my power to make sure that i do the best i can.
---
so this semester opened me to a new circle of friends.
its largely thanks to the english mod which was 1) an all-guys only class (which means everyone can basically crack potentially sexist jokes without repercussions and laugh) and 2) a very small class size (only 8 people out of a maximum of 16). under such conditions i think it was much easier to forge ties with people previously thought to be impossible.
oh and the ang moh lecturer was one of the coolest/slackest of all that i have encountered to date.
all of which i am pretty grateful for, as someone who doesn't actively seek for friends.
---
i think in last year's post i mentioned about how great the medical library was.
it still is great, but there's a new #1 spot in my heart - music.
non-existent crowds (even their own goddamn students dont use their home library, go figure), comfy chairs, small, quiet.
to add on, whoever actually suggested placing a piano in the library for use should be awarded a medal for his/her ingenuity because it is one of the best ideas ever. it's one of the most underrated, and effective tool for messing around. i think i've sunked tens of hours into playing the piano for this semester while waiting for lectures to convene.
i like to compare music library as a sanctuary, as a place where i can seek refuge amidst all the chaos. its so peaceful to the point that it feels like time had almost stood still.
i think i have truly found my second home in nus now.
---
those commencement banners being put up around campus reminds me of my brother's commencement ceremony 2-3 years ago.
and it also reminded me of a promise made to my mom back then.
(late afternoon at the university cultural centre, seated at the rear end of the hall with my mom)
me: so what tier is he (my brother)?
mom: second upper, as you can see from the booklet.
me: (insert random smacktalk), i can do better than that no sweat
mom: oh really, you sure about that?
me: yeah i'm going to one-up his by getting a better score than he does, you'll see it in 5 years time
(later i realize his cap was actually ~0.03 away from a first class).
that is why you should NEVER ever make any promises, gary!
(chances are she probably had forgetton about it, but promises being promises, once you made one you just have to see through it to the bitter end)
(at least that's what promises mean to me)
----
i'll probably talk more about special semester in the next post (possibly december 31 again?) , after both part I and II are completed.
---
did some spring cleaning on my room.
started right after lunch at 1pm, and it took me 5 hours to complete.
among some of the things i thought was interesting-
1) i still have my mjc badge intact (which i thought was pretty impressive, thought i threw that away), still shiny as ever. also, i still had that open house card as well which was also in pristine condition. (no, i am not tossing those away)
2)i finally decided to toss most (~85%) of my jc notes, once and for all. room's getting too cramped anyway, given my habit of buying books from kino after each exam. not sure why this is a key point, but perhaps its proof that i'm not a hoarder like my dad is (which brings me to another topic to be discussed later)
3)upon cursory inspection, the percentage breakdown of the genre of books i have are as follow:
4) the amount of thrash thrown was... a lot as a consequence of throwing stacks after stacks of paper. while throwing i saw some of my past exam paper, some of the answers gave me a nice laugh (especially the 8 mark question on probability - i remember the teacher actually giving a tick to me and my friend ONLY (two of us out of the entire cohort) for the answer when it was actually wrong upon further scrutiny, and both of us made a pact not to report it to the teacher. good times.)
cleaning is time consuming, but there is some degree of satisfaction to be derived from it if done well.
---
i had a chat with a friend.
the topic of conversation varied considerably, from school to both of our lives.
then the topic somehow switched to the topic of marriage/finding a girlfriend (which i guess is a common topic to be talked among guys although i share faint interest in it (there are more pressing things to consider!))
he did mentioned that 'if you don't find one during uni times you're pretty much going alone' and that 'marriage is the goal in life' .
i can understand why he said that; i will not discount that it would be significantly harder once one is out of school, but i have an issue with his second claim - who says marriage is the goal?
i mean that's just the same as saying those who remained single failed in life which makes no sense whatsoever. moreover, surely marriage can't be the end-point; its only the beginning of a very, very long road to ... i don't even know where it leads but you can bet it's gonna be god damn long alright.
and having experienced a fair share of PTSD mothers (thanks to occasionally helping my mom as a head nurse, and no my mom does NOT have ptsd), i am of the opinion that if one only considers marriage as the end point, then he/she clearly hasn't thought through things well enough.
fuck me, i'm not even sure why i'm a tad miffed over this even though this has no concern with me!
(oh and of course i did not rebutt his claim during the conversation; sure i did disagree but i did not go so far as to enforce my opinion on him, which would be silly on my part)
(jeez, i think i acquired most of my medical knowledge from my mom)
---
the process of cleaning my room has brought up a topic that came up to my mind - nostalgia.
the only reason why i kept those jc notes was mostly because i thought they were probably useful during uni (which they weren't for the most part) and that i had a bit of nostalgia.
don't get me wrong, nostalgia is okay in my books, its fine to have some of it. the thing with nostalgia is that when it actually impedes oneself in terms of potential, in terms of growth or self-betterment that is where i draw the line in the sand and say that nostalgia can be harmful, especially so if it prevents one from making beneficial changes.
---
this then leads me into another idea that floated my mind - change.
i decided to take a run around tampines, from my house to tpjc/dunman. (which amounted to approximately 5km after crude estimations), just to keep myself amused (because running in the same park gets awfully boring after some time), and to see what has changed.
here's a laundry list.
well actually alright it isnt that much of a list but yeah there are some visible changes now compared to a few years ago.
all these prove two things -
1) changes take place whether you like it or not
2) changes are unavoidable
on second thoughts both points seem to be the same but yeah, it serves to remind me that i can't just keep things as status quo forever and not progress; i also have to change too if i am to actually improve myself.
as uncomfortable this may be, i am painfully aware that its a necessary evil.
----
i always feel that i'm living on borrowed time.
sometimes i do wonder what would happen had i actually died back then. (no it wasn't suicide, it was an actual accident i must insist) (man, this makes for a interesting thought experiment)
someone else would probably take my place in secondary school, and subsequently junior college, someone else would be able to affect the dynamics of the classroom quite differently from what i did.. and so on and so forth, the list never ends (since its all hypothetical).
frankly speaking, i would be happy to die sooner than later. perhaps by the age of 30?
---
on the topic of death, i still stick with the opinion that the hospital is the best place to actually understand and learn humility.
i had to visit my grandmother who was warded for minor chest pains due to the haze(which was fortunately a false alarm) (she's already discharged and well at home, where she always want to be).
because her ward wasn't an a ward like my mom back then in end 2011 at ttsh, she had to rest with four other elderly people in the same room. of all the 5 elderly people in the room, i can safely say that my grandmother was the best of shapes compared to the rest.
i find it interesting that the physical body itself (note that this is a distinction from a person's mental will) is designed to live/survive, by struggling to breathe non-stop even if it gets difficult until it finally gives up. incidentally, thats one of the symptoms of lung failure where you could tell by their very heavy breathing like as if they're gasping for air.
i can only hope that it goes well for the rest, or that their deaths be as peaceful as possible.
----
a year has passed now, and i'm still struggling to understand myself better. there's still so many things i don't know about myself in all honesty.
3 more years. lets see if its even possible to get definitive answers while studying in nus.
---
i stumbled upon a short animation flim called 言の葉の庭 / the garden of words.
the animation was sublime, and the story line pretty decent for a 'slice-of-life'/romance flim.
but what actually left me impressed was the piano soundtrack itself which was made by this fine gentleman called daisuke kashiwa. (yes i like piano and/or jazz)
its a single soundtrack 14 minutes long, piano solo. he manages to convey a swirling mix of urgency, sadness and wistfulness into one single piano piece and does it very, very well.
so i decided to look into more of his works, and that is where i think i might have found the chaos theory equivalent of music.
enter stella and write once, run melos. two pieces of... alternative music (not exactly sure how to classify this kind of music) 36 and 26 minutes long respectively, which is very long (most music tend to vary from 3-10 minutes tops, give or take +/- 5mins).
what actually surprises me is that he actually throws in actual static sound (which actually threw me off the first time i heard it, thinking that the music file is corrupted), and random sounds as part of the mix into the music but funnily enough, it actually bloody works! it sounded really good.
well, guess there's always something new to discover on the internet everyday.
---
piano exams in a months time.
gotta get ready gary, and above all, just like school life, have fun.
---
some people did asked me why in the world i am taking piano while in university.
their concerns have basis i must admit, since time is a valuable commodity in university.
to which i can only say that i had a deprived childhood, and that i'm just trying to pick up something that i had always wanted to for quite a while, but lacked the courage to do so.
---
i end off with a quote from a professor that i had a chat with before.
the topic of conversation was "why are laws designed to be mindbogglingly longwinded and boring".
his reply was as follow -
"law-makers create laws to have hundred of pages, they make it so long and draggy such that the average layperson wouldn't be interested in it. because of that, lawmakers are able to pass through laws and constitutions much more easier since there is little opposition from the ground (since people just couldn't be bothered with having to read tons and tons of verbose)."
so this entire post/blog is an exercise in verbose, designed to bore everyone except myself. score!
i have some time to spare before lessons/lectures start, so its time to go on a lengthy monologue on life so far.
---
in all honesty, i feel i got overconfident, and too oblivious which caused my own failings for this semester.
sure, by most people's definition it isn't exactly a failure but i still feel that it could had been much better, given that there were so many chances along the way and i still managed to fumble.
somehow, i feel like i kinda blew it. i got a tad too complacent after semester 1.
guess this is a good wake up call for me to realign my priorities and focus again, lest i commit the same faults again.
i don't want to commit the same error as i did back in jc, and i sure am tired of regretting.
---
on a lighter note to the previous section, if luck is a commodity, then i believe i may have already exhausted all my luck back then in sem 1.
well, good luck gary!
---
next semester will be a critical juncture, and it is essential that i do whatever in my power to make sure that i do the best i can.
---
so this semester opened me to a new circle of friends.
its largely thanks to the english mod which was 1) an all-guys only class (which means everyone can basically crack potentially sexist jokes without repercussions and laugh) and 2) a very small class size (only 8 people out of a maximum of 16). under such conditions i think it was much easier to forge ties with people previously thought to be impossible.
oh and the ang moh lecturer was one of the coolest/slackest of all that i have encountered to date.
all of which i am pretty grateful for, as someone who doesn't actively seek for friends.
---
i think in last year's post i mentioned about how great the medical library was.
it still is great, but there's a new #1 spot in my heart - music.
non-existent crowds (even their own goddamn students dont use their home library, go figure), comfy chairs, small, quiet.
to add on, whoever actually suggested placing a piano in the library for use should be awarded a medal for his/her ingenuity because it is one of the best ideas ever. it's one of the most underrated, and effective tool for messing around. i think i've sunked tens of hours into playing the piano for this semester while waiting for lectures to convene.
i like to compare music library as a sanctuary, as a place where i can seek refuge amidst all the chaos. its so peaceful to the point that it feels like time had almost stood still.
i think i have truly found my second home in nus now.
---
those commencement banners being put up around campus reminds me of my brother's commencement ceremony 2-3 years ago.
and it also reminded me of a promise made to my mom back then.
(late afternoon at the university cultural centre, seated at the rear end of the hall with my mom)
me: so what tier is he (my brother)?
mom: second upper, as you can see from the booklet.
me: (insert random smacktalk), i can do better than that no sweat
mom: oh really, you sure about that?
me: yeah i'm going to one-up his by getting a better score than he does, you'll see it in 5 years time
(later i realize his cap was actually ~0.03 away from a first class).
that is why you should NEVER ever make any promises, gary!
(chances are she probably had forgetton about it, but promises being promises, once you made one you just have to see through it to the bitter end)
(at least that's what promises mean to me)
----
i'll probably talk more about special semester in the next post (possibly december 31 again?) , after both part I and II are completed.
---
did some spring cleaning on my room.
started right after lunch at 1pm, and it took me 5 hours to complete.
among some of the things i thought was interesting-
1) i still have my mjc badge intact (which i thought was pretty impressive, thought i threw that away), still shiny as ever. also, i still had that open house card as well which was also in pristine condition. (no, i am not tossing those away)
2)i finally decided to toss most (~85%) of my jc notes, once and for all. room's getting too cramped anyway, given my habit of buying books from kino after each exam. not sure why this is a key point, but perhaps its proof that i'm not a hoarder like my dad is (which brings me to another topic to be discussed later)
3)upon cursory inspection, the percentage breakdown of the genre of books i have are as follow:
- fiction - 5% (figures, not exactly into fantasy in prose form)
- random books (i.e. books that tells you 1001 silly ways to kill yourself) - 20%
- commentaries (ramblings by certain famous people like jeremy clarkson) - 15%
- probabilities (yes i actually have these kind of books which probably makes me a sad, miserable, and insufferable fellow) - 20%
- philo stuff - 25% (reading out of leisure now, which is MUCH better than being tested for it)
- history books - 15% (i actually thought i had a lot of books on history but that doesn't seem to be the case)
4) the amount of thrash thrown was... a lot as a consequence of throwing stacks after stacks of paper. while throwing i saw some of my past exam paper, some of the answers gave me a nice laugh (especially the 8 mark question on probability - i remember the teacher actually giving a tick to me and my friend ONLY (two of us out of the entire cohort) for the answer when it was actually wrong upon further scrutiny, and both of us made a pact not to report it to the teacher. good times.)
cleaning is time consuming, but there is some degree of satisfaction to be derived from it if done well.
---
i had a chat with a friend.
the topic of conversation varied considerably, from school to both of our lives.
then the topic somehow switched to the topic of marriage/finding a girlfriend (which i guess is a common topic to be talked among guys although i share faint interest in it (there are more pressing things to consider!))
he did mentioned that 'if you don't find one during uni times you're pretty much going alone' and that 'marriage is the goal in life' .
i can understand why he said that; i will not discount that it would be significantly harder once one is out of school, but i have an issue with his second claim - who says marriage is the goal?
i mean that's just the same as saying those who remained single failed in life which makes no sense whatsoever. moreover, surely marriage can't be the end-point; its only the beginning of a very, very long road to ... i don't even know where it leads but you can bet it's gonna be god damn long alright.
and having experienced a fair share of PTSD mothers (thanks to occasionally helping my mom as a head nurse, and no my mom does NOT have ptsd), i am of the opinion that if one only considers marriage as the end point, then he/she clearly hasn't thought through things well enough.
fuck me, i'm not even sure why i'm a tad miffed over this even though this has no concern with me!
(oh and of course i did not rebutt his claim during the conversation; sure i did disagree but i did not go so far as to enforce my opinion on him, which would be silly on my part)
(jeez, i think i acquired most of my medical knowledge from my mom)
---
the process of cleaning my room has brought up a topic that came up to my mind - nostalgia.
the only reason why i kept those jc notes was mostly because i thought they were probably useful during uni (which they weren't for the most part) and that i had a bit of nostalgia.
don't get me wrong, nostalgia is okay in my books, its fine to have some of it. the thing with nostalgia is that when it actually impedes oneself in terms of potential, in terms of growth or self-betterment that is where i draw the line in the sand and say that nostalgia can be harmful, especially so if it prevents one from making beneficial changes.
---
this then leads me into another idea that floated my mind - change.
i decided to take a run around tampines, from my house to tpjc/dunman. (which amounted to approximately 5km after crude estimations), just to keep myself amused (because running in the same park gets awfully boring after some time), and to see what has changed.
here's a laundry list.
- mrt station (i think?) being build opposite tpjc, tons of construction going on
- the bubble tea store is now a dominos!
- dunman apparently look much bigger than before which is odd but okay
- the food court is now a departmental store
- the western store seem to have switched locations from the right to the left side of the walkway
well actually alright it isnt that much of a list but yeah there are some visible changes now compared to a few years ago.
all these prove two things -
1) changes take place whether you like it or not
2) changes are unavoidable
on second thoughts both points seem to be the same but yeah, it serves to remind me that i can't just keep things as status quo forever and not progress; i also have to change too if i am to actually improve myself.
as uncomfortable this may be, i am painfully aware that its a necessary evil.
----
i always feel that i'm living on borrowed time.
sometimes i do wonder what would happen had i actually died back then. (no it wasn't suicide, it was an actual accident i must insist) (man, this makes for a interesting thought experiment)
someone else would probably take my place in secondary school, and subsequently junior college, someone else would be able to affect the dynamics of the classroom quite differently from what i did.. and so on and so forth, the list never ends (since its all hypothetical).
frankly speaking, i would be happy to die sooner than later. perhaps by the age of 30?
---
on the topic of death, i still stick with the opinion that the hospital is the best place to actually understand and learn humility.
i had to visit my grandmother who was warded for minor chest pains due to the haze(which was fortunately a false alarm) (she's already discharged and well at home, where she always want to be).
because her ward wasn't an a ward like my mom back then in end 2011 at ttsh, she had to rest with four other elderly people in the same room. of all the 5 elderly people in the room, i can safely say that my grandmother was the best of shapes compared to the rest.
i find it interesting that the physical body itself (note that this is a distinction from a person's mental will) is designed to live/survive, by struggling to breathe non-stop even if it gets difficult until it finally gives up. incidentally, thats one of the symptoms of lung failure where you could tell by their very heavy breathing like as if they're gasping for air.
i can only hope that it goes well for the rest, or that their deaths be as peaceful as possible.
----
a year has passed now, and i'm still struggling to understand myself better. there's still so many things i don't know about myself in all honesty.
3 more years. lets see if its even possible to get definitive answers while studying in nus.
---
i stumbled upon a short animation flim called 言の葉の庭 / the garden of words.
the animation was sublime, and the story line pretty decent for a 'slice-of-life'/romance flim.
but what actually left me impressed was the piano soundtrack itself which was made by this fine gentleman called daisuke kashiwa. (yes i like piano and/or jazz)
its a single soundtrack 14 minutes long, piano solo. he manages to convey a swirling mix of urgency, sadness and wistfulness into one single piano piece and does it very, very well.
so i decided to look into more of his works, and that is where i think i might have found the chaos theory equivalent of music.
enter stella and write once, run melos. two pieces of... alternative music (not exactly sure how to classify this kind of music) 36 and 26 minutes long respectively, which is very long (most music tend to vary from 3-10 minutes tops, give or take +/- 5mins).
what actually surprises me is that he actually throws in actual static sound (which actually threw me off the first time i heard it, thinking that the music file is corrupted), and random sounds as part of the mix into the music but funnily enough, it actually bloody works! it sounded really good.
well, guess there's always something new to discover on the internet everyday.
---
piano exams in a months time.
gotta get ready gary, and above all, just like school life, have fun.
---
some people did asked me why in the world i am taking piano while in university.
their concerns have basis i must admit, since time is a valuable commodity in university.
to which i can only say that i had a deprived childhood, and that i'm just trying to pick up something that i had always wanted to for quite a while, but lacked the courage to do so.
---
i end off with a quote from a professor that i had a chat with before.
the topic of conversation was "why are laws designed to be mindbogglingly longwinded and boring".
his reply was as follow -
"law-makers create laws to have hundred of pages, they make it so long and draggy such that the average layperson wouldn't be interested in it. because of that, lawmakers are able to pass through laws and constitutions much more easier since there is little opposition from the ground (since people just couldn't be bothered with having to read tons and tons of verbose)."
so this entire post/blog is an exercise in verbose, designed to bore everyone except myself. score!
Monday, December 31
a year in perspective - 2012
well another year went by and its important to stop for a moment and take stock at what happened this year, hoping that (somehow) i can improve myself and avoid making the same set of errors/mistakes in the near future.
also, cataloging a series of random events in this year as well.
let's start.
---
did wisdom tooth surgery to pull out those 4 teeths.
surprisingly, zero/minimal pain (doctors probably administered a generous serving of anesthetics on the gum) aside from the unfortunate side effect of having blood-filled saliva for the next few days.
didn't realize how these teeth were in the way of my own breathing passage as well until xray scans indicated it. also, because 2 of them are concealed within the gum(not visible, cant brush them), there was already some degree of decay which could pose health problems in time to come.
guess i was a step ahead this time round.
---
sometime earlier this year, i was messaged by someone who i formerly had a crush on.
she basically messaged to make amends, although it wasn't her fault (totally,if i must add).
long story short, she rejected me, i acted coldly towards her during that time period and we broke communications.
during our short conversation i simply came forward to apologize.
there was two things that came out of this -
one, i am totally disgusted by my inability to make the apology first, given that it was my fault. that probably shows how much of a coward i am huh, gary?
two, i wished that in her replying message she didn't go all 'i actually liked you back then, but...'. i know nothing of her motives for saying that; perhaps she typed that out of guilt (may i point out that this guilt is not her fault to begin with) or out of pity (another possibility that i won't discount). i would personally prefer a cleaner break, along the lines of 'lets normalize this relationship as friends' and end it just there, but i am in no position to bargain, since it was clearly my own doing that has led down to this path.
i regret being an immature and spoilt, egotistical and self-serving bastard back then.
also, i regret giving into such emotions as well, for as you can see, it has led to too much inconveniences for other people in the process.
moving forward, at least this emotional block has somewhat resolved, giving me some degree of peace/calm.
---
left the navy in april.
on the day of ord it was pretty okay i guess, not totally ecstatic, just relieved. perhaps that's weird by normal standards.
---
started school in may.
special term, part one and part two.
didn't experience too much of a 'cultural' shock; perhaps academic life is something i'm accustomed to.
at the end of the two terms i must say that the module on chaos theory has left an impression on me as to how much i don't really know.
also, did i mention how much the professor sounds like mario? i know its a stereotype to classify all italians as people with a mario accent but it really fits the bill all too well.
he's a good professor i'll admit.
---
at the same time, started formal piano lessons.
going to do grade two exams again this coming june/july. there's still some time left to prepare before hand.
hopefully by then, i should be adequately prepared to deal with it.
also, with an official qualification, the pathway to joining the jazz club is open as well, granted that my grades continue to remain well.
the tune from starlight waltz is pretty catchy, i must add.
---
official school term, semester 1.
started alone, ended up with a few friends, some of which are from mjc but of different classes.
well thats fine with me, don't need too many to begin with since conversations usually wear me down. in fact, i am more than happy with this small group of people i can somewhat call as a friend.
what's fun about university life is that i am accountable to only myself; i can say 'fuck it' and elect to skip classes if i so wish, or play a perfect run by attending all classes and do work readily. i can simply choose to study alone at a corner without any disturbances.
best of all, i find that university is more or less an open-playing field where most advantages that can be bought with money are neutralized, like tuition for example. (do you hear people saying 'hey man i need tuition for my uni studies'?)
all in all, for this semester, i'm ok with my grades, not going to complain.
let's see if i can keep this game up for another 7 semesters.
---
may i also take this opportunity to thank the medical library for providing a safe haven for me to escape reality and focus on the task at hand?
unlike the clusterfuck that is the central library, at least the medical library's quiet and also significantly less crowded too.
oh, and its the closest library to the mrt station, too.
---
there's this japanese travel show on channel news asia which i felt was really fun.
its basically a travel show where 3 actors travel by buses only from point a to point b, and in the process explore tourist spots/unique locations in 4 days.
i find the thrill of rushing from one bus to another under a time constrain exciting. in addition, it doesnt feel as scripted as other travel shows usually do.
if singapore was even 1/8th the size of japan it might be fun to play such a game as well.
---
and one last thing.
went to MBS for a few days, took the chance to stay in one of those suites during the christmas week.
think of it as a short 'staycation' if you will, since i didnt go overseas because of my exams (and also because i don't want to hear my parents arguing on a holiday which is a major turn-off).
the view from the rooftop pool is pretty invigorating and definitely what i needed to power myself up for the upcoming semester.
also, the afternoon tea buffet is pretty impressive too. those things can make you fat if you just gobble them up willingly!
---
i realized that i'm only updating this blog on a yearly basis.
well it can't be helped, i guess (ha). perhaps its for the better, who knows? with that being said, lets go - another year of unknown challenges awaits.
i look forward to seeing them.
well another year went by and its important to stop for a moment and take stock at what happened this year, hoping that (somehow) i can improve myself and avoid making the same set of errors/mistakes in the near future.
also, cataloging a series of random events in this year as well.
let's start.
---
did wisdom tooth surgery to pull out those 4 teeths.
surprisingly, zero/minimal pain (doctors probably administered a generous serving of anesthetics on the gum) aside from the unfortunate side effect of having blood-filled saliva for the next few days.
didn't realize how these teeth were in the way of my own breathing passage as well until xray scans indicated it. also, because 2 of them are concealed within the gum(not visible, cant brush them), there was already some degree of decay which could pose health problems in time to come.
guess i was a step ahead this time round.
---
sometime earlier this year, i was messaged by someone who i formerly had a crush on.
she basically messaged to make amends, although it wasn't her fault (totally,if i must add).
long story short, she rejected me, i acted coldly towards her during that time period and we broke communications.
during our short conversation i simply came forward to apologize.
there was two things that came out of this -
one, i am totally disgusted by my inability to make the apology first, given that it was my fault. that probably shows how much of a coward i am huh, gary?
two, i wished that in her replying message she didn't go all 'i actually liked you back then, but...'. i know nothing of her motives for saying that; perhaps she typed that out of guilt (may i point out that this guilt is not her fault to begin with) or out of pity (another possibility that i won't discount). i would personally prefer a cleaner break, along the lines of 'lets normalize this relationship as friends' and end it just there, but i am in no position to bargain, since it was clearly my own doing that has led down to this path.
i regret being an immature and spoilt, egotistical and self-serving bastard back then.
also, i regret giving into such emotions as well, for as you can see, it has led to too much inconveniences for other people in the process.
moving forward, at least this emotional block has somewhat resolved, giving me some degree of peace/calm.
---
left the navy in april.
on the day of ord it was pretty okay i guess, not totally ecstatic, just relieved. perhaps that's weird by normal standards.
---
started school in may.
special term, part one and part two.
didn't experience too much of a 'cultural' shock; perhaps academic life is something i'm accustomed to.
at the end of the two terms i must say that the module on chaos theory has left an impression on me as to how much i don't really know.
also, did i mention how much the professor sounds like mario? i know its a stereotype to classify all italians as people with a mario accent but it really fits the bill all too well.
he's a good professor i'll admit.
---
at the same time, started formal piano lessons.
going to do grade two exams again this coming june/july. there's still some time left to prepare before hand.
hopefully by then, i should be adequately prepared to deal with it.
also, with an official qualification, the pathway to joining the jazz club is open as well, granted that my grades continue to remain well.
the tune from starlight waltz is pretty catchy, i must add.
---
official school term, semester 1.
started alone, ended up with a few friends, some of which are from mjc but of different classes.
well thats fine with me, don't need too many to begin with since conversations usually wear me down. in fact, i am more than happy with this small group of people i can somewhat call as a friend.
what's fun about university life is that i am accountable to only myself; i can say 'fuck it' and elect to skip classes if i so wish, or play a perfect run by attending all classes and do work readily. i can simply choose to study alone at a corner without any disturbances.
best of all, i find that university is more or less an open-playing field where most advantages that can be bought with money are neutralized, like tuition for example. (do you hear people saying 'hey man i need tuition for my uni studies'?)
all in all, for this semester, i'm ok with my grades, not going to complain.
let's see if i can keep this game up for another 7 semesters.
---
may i also take this opportunity to thank the medical library for providing a safe haven for me to escape reality and focus on the task at hand?
unlike the clusterfuck that is the central library, at least the medical library's quiet and also significantly less crowded too.
oh, and its the closest library to the mrt station, too.
---
there's this japanese travel show on channel news asia which i felt was really fun.
its basically a travel show where 3 actors travel by buses only from point a to point b, and in the process explore tourist spots/unique locations in 4 days.
i find the thrill of rushing from one bus to another under a time constrain exciting. in addition, it doesnt feel as scripted as other travel shows usually do.
if singapore was even 1/8th the size of japan it might be fun to play such a game as well.
---
and one last thing.
went to MBS for a few days, took the chance to stay in one of those suites during the christmas week.
think of it as a short 'staycation' if you will, since i didnt go overseas because of my exams (and also because i don't want to hear my parents arguing on a holiday which is a major turn-off).
the view from the rooftop pool is pretty invigorating and definitely what i needed to power myself up for the upcoming semester.
also, the afternoon tea buffet is pretty impressive too. those things can make you fat if you just gobble them up willingly!
---
i realized that i'm only updating this blog on a yearly basis.
well it can't be helped, i guess (ha). perhaps its for the better, who knows? with that being said, lets go - another year of unknown challenges awaits.
i look forward to seeing them.
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