another year comes to a close.

there's quite a lot of things to be typed (my first instinct was to use penned but hey, there's no ink being used here), so here goes.

---

lets start off with work happenings.

at the start of the year, the company outsourced me (and a few others) to a client company to assist with some of their works.

the person in charge was... erratic to put it mildly. partly because we were paid on a per hour basis as a consultant (i assume that it is not cheap), as time goes by his requests/demands became increasingly difficult to fulfill, or that it changes at a whim, leaving most of our prepared work to waste.

all these came to a head, when on the day i was to be demobilized, he actually shouted at me for being not cost-effective (since we were paid on a reimbursable basis) and then demanded for a point-by-point account on what i have done for the past three months while in their office.


i snapped, raising my voice and tearing while answering.

ultimately while he did calm down later on and apologized (and i also apologized) , i don't think that our (professional) relationship can ever be normalized again.

personally, i regret this entire fiasco (if you would call it such), and if given the chance to repeat this again, i should had done it in a more calm, controlled manner.

its a sobering reminder to take off those rose-tinted glasses (if i did wore them in the first place) that work isn't all fun and games.

on the bright side, there is a lesson to be drawn here - stay level headed. nothing good ever comes out when you're in a state of fury.

this should be my everlasting life goal - to stay composed at all times.

---

later in the year, i was doing some sort of a test run for a recently completed plant.

i was assigned to a head engineer to assist him with all the site stuff, and also to do some calculations.

these calculations were the first time i had experienced, and because of that i did extraordinarily slow to the point that he was often chasing after me for it.

worse still, i had to admit that i made several unacceptable mistakes e.g. linking wrong items etc etc.

to his credit, he really knows his stuff, and while he sure doesn't tolerate errors, he is more than happy to tell me where i went wrong which i do appreciate. 

there's that sinking feeling that i don't know much, and how utterly incompetent i am at this current state.

don't get me wrong, i intend to right this wrong and get better, but it really feels bad to be this lousy.

i wonder how low i must descend before i bounce back up.

it feels like that is no floor beneath me (with regards to how clueless and inexperienced i am right now) and i am just falling at terminal velocity, with no end in sight.

...this feels bad.

---

at the same time, the industry itself isn't doing too hot.

i am not sure if this career path is ultimately the 'right' path, but i know that i don't have much time left to secondguess, as by the 3rd year goes, most alternative paths would be locked out.

you know, while i do embrace uncertainty, this doesn't sit too well with me.

i do like the job, but at the same time i just feel that something is missing.

the worst part is i can't even objectively describe what exactly i am missing.

its kind of a bad thing as it impedes me from committing more to this current job that i have.

how about this gary - lets reassess your own position once you hit the 3 year mark and have garnered sufficient working experience first.


---

of course, there were some bright spots, such as actually physically climbing up a distillation column or a air fin cooler rack. (once i accidentally dropped a highlighter ~50m above ground. to my surprise, apart from a hairline crack on the casing, the highlighter still remained in one piece. talk about sturdy!) or participating in several client activities.

all in all, not a good year when it comes to the job.

am doing several projects with a senior engineer in tow, but with the current dismal state the industry is, i am not sure if there will be more next year.

all these is making me into the (insufferable) pessimist.

i think this year has knocked some shine/enthusiasm off me to be honest, however, i am confident that i will regain them eventually, one way or another.

---

on other fronts, i have cleared grade 5.

i felt that i have cheesed my way through, having messed up quite a fair bit during the main pieces, and also during the aural section.

nevertheless i guess my interest isn't waning anytime soon so i decided to proceed to 6.

the difficulty in music theory has spiked considerably, however over time it gets managable.

the difficulty of the pieces/composition have ramped up too, but again, it gets alright eventually.

not sure if i will be taking the exam next year though, assuming that i won't get sent overseas for further experience.

---

additionally, i have also attempted JLPT as well.

granted, its at a rather casual level (4) and passing it does not imply that i am fully proficient.

again, i can foresee that my interest will continue spurring me to take on the next difficulty level (3/2).

results aren't out but i won't lose too much sleep over it.

---

on the thesis publication front, there are setbacks after setbacks, with (peer) reviewers expressing doubt or concerns pertaining to the thesis.

i guess it was right to go with no expectations of it; besides, i already got my value by presenting it last year anyway (albeit to a rather disinterested audience but hey).

if it still goes through then sure, i'm happy to have it as a bonus. if it does not, ah well its also fine too.

although i did asked if i could work with my professor for further research topics, i find myself short of time to commit (or rather too lazy, such as writing this ha ha ha).

i don't even know if i should commit to a masters, and if so, whether to continue down the same line or divert to a new field like data science. (hell, or even to continue studying in NUS in the first place).

i wish i had the foresight to see what is ahead of me for each decision; that would make things so much more easier isnt it?

---

i finally managed to take the (full) year duration to read up on investment through a book by FT during my spare time.

granted, while my interest in it isn't that strong, i think the knowledge will serve me well, given that leaving dosh in the bank is a losing proposition in the long term.

here's hoping that its not too late for me.

probably will be starting off with ETFs and government bonds, but i look forward to trying out other forms eventually to spread out the risk as much as possible.

---

as time goes by, i realize that others are already making headways into their own lives, e.g. marriage, progression in work, etc.

yes, i get asked by my mother every now and then when i will get married and such.

i am tempted to tell her that i still prefer dying while young than such, but surely that would be a dick move, and also raise red flags - thanks, but i'll pass on those counseling sessions, there are more pressing matters to attend to.

again, i got to stress that i am most certainly not suicidal, but if it so happens that i die one day, sure i'll take it.

besides, there's joy in doing things in solitude.

several weeks ago, i went to a piano concert alone. at first it does feel off, like something is out of place, however that thought gets suppressed once the concert started and i did enjoy it a lot. i look forward to attending another one sometime soon.

additionally, a few days ago, during one of my leave days i decided (quite randomly) to cycle at east coast back to simpang bedok using one of those rental bikes (since they were free for the whole of december).

i will readily concede that i am most definitely not proficient in biking; in fact i am probably just a notch above the 'unable to ride a bike' tier. there were moments that i almost swerved to a ditch. also, i am still wary of riding along the street.

it was a nice exercise in building proficiency, as well as exploring east coast (it has been almost a decade since i last went there).

although i should had used sunblock before biking though (i started at 11am); right now i still feel a tinge of static on my skin (probably sunburnt).


nevertheless, it was a fun experience (and one that i probably wont undertake in quite a while).

---

so yeah, all in all, 2017... was pretty much a downer year.

but i suppose its good to experience the lows in order to appreciate the highs when it does come eventually.

next year (just like every other year) will be an important year in picking up even more skillsets, and abilities. additionally, 2018 will serve as a litmus test for determining the viability of this industry in the long term, and if it does goes south it is imperative i find an alternative path and fast, no later than 2019.

man, this certainly does not inspire confidence; but this is the (rather grim) situation that i am in.

you need to move upwards, gary, and fast.

---

oh, and i finally changed the blog's style to this simplistic one, due to photobuckets' p500 shenanigans.

guess it was overdue anyway.

---

so yeah, i guess thats about it really.

lets charge towards next year.