Saturday, December 31
another year has passed.
anyway, lets start.
---
i am kind of sad that pageone's no longer operating in singapore when their flagship store closes in mid-feb.
had some sort of attachment to it; in fact, i think its the only reason why i would even consider going to vivocity at all. its one of those few stores where i can spend one to two hours easily glancing through books and spending quite a bit of money on it.
apart from kino, i dont think any other bookstores can compete with pageone's presentation and variety of books offered.
gotta stop by once or twice before it closes down for good.
ah, i know! when i go submit the supporting documents to NUS i'll stop by. el perfecto!
(and yes i went to the warehouse sale, and as i expected, it was a disappointment for me)
---
this final month has been a little bit exciting to say the least, with mom landing in hospital due to some sort of spinal infection just a day or two before going off to nz, compounded by the fact that almost everyone else went ahead with the holiday (save myself and the maid).
i dont blame them for going ahead to NZ, after all, its 4k per head; no refund whatsoever since the deposit has already been made in full months ago, and the withdrawal period has long past. besides, this happened without any warnings given.
my initial guess when i got wind that she got warded due to numbness was stroke, but fortunately it turned out to be spinal infection (not that it isnt serious, it is STILL serious, but relatively aint as bad as stroke)
so long story short, for that 1 to 2 weeks, i stopped by changi, and subsequently tan tock seng on evenings after camp to see her. fortunately still have ample (well didnt even use a single leave for the whole year) leave to clear, so it wasnt that bad for me. (and ladies and gentleman, this is why you do not spend your leaves aimlessly; you keep it for critical situations like this)
(on a completely unrelated note, visiting her while wearing no.3 does make me feel like public enemy #1; not that i mind, but its akin to wearing a signboard pointing towards me, saying "OH HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME, I AM A MILITARY PERSONNEL, PLEASE PUT MY FACE ON STOMP IF I DO ANYTHING WRONG")
(on another unrelated note, the differences between class B and A wards are worlds apart. i think even worlds apart might be an understatement actually.)
(on yet another unrelated note, the fish soup at the kopitiam is not bad. [well this is random but i thought i should put it out])
(ok one last random note - bought my first starbucks drink ever in the hospital, man what a blunder it was, ill talk more later)
in hindsight, even though landing in hospital does suck, i am glad that it happened in the sense that it gave me the opportunity to have some serious talk with my mom. things that i would never ever talk about when my brothers are around her, or with other strangers. personal talk, to put it bluntly.
normally i rarely talk to her, partly due to a lack of topics (i think this happens to almost everyone i meet, a problem of mine actually), and its kind of clear that she likes my 2nd bro more anyway (subject to debate of course, but thats from my perspective)
now she's out of the hospital, recovering at home for the next month.
---
anyway, first starbucks drink ordered in tan tock seng. (why would ttsh even allow such an establishment to set up in their premises, after all, starbucks isnt healthy persay)
well, being a greenhorn, i looked at the menu. and used the wrong format to order the drink that i wanted (i think it was some sort of chocolate chip drink or whatever, cant remember, it was that festive special thing). i used the espresso format (i.e. decaffeinated, hot/cold etc) to order that festive drink.
man, the look on the cashier was priceless when i tried to order my drink.
the cashier look at me as if i was some sort of person who lives under a rock (dont blame her though); after some attempts i told her i dont know how to order, she thought i didnt know what to have and started suggesting some drinks.
oh boy.
eventually i got the idea and knew how to order, and got my drink as wanted. brought it back to the room where my mom was and started eating dinner with her. (single room, so tons and tons of space to eat)
drink was too sweet to my liking, and definitely unhealthy by any standards.
lets just say that if possible, i want to make that the last drink i ever have from starbucks.
(their sandwiches are nice however, although overpriced - also something i dont want to buy again unless im dead hungry)
---
for the first 2-3 days after transferring from changi to ttsh (due to lack of neurologist specialists in changi), mom was stuck in b ward because of a lack of rooms available for a ward(sharing with 3 other patients in the same room; 4 beds per room)
without a doubt, my mom was arguably the best of shapes when compared to the other 3, which speaks volume about the physical conditions of the rest, given how serious her condition was.
two elderly ladies, one of which was frail and skinny, devoid of any emotions apart from the occasional writhing pain when the nurses administer the necessary medications, another having a bad fall off a bed and surrounded by medical equipments (yes a bed, its laughable when you're young, but 40, 50 years down the road you'll see how such a seemingly trivial event can be deadly).
the last lady... middle aged, younger than my mom for sure, but also pretty weak as well.
pretty sure all these ladies didnt want to get sick in the first place and the state at they're in right now. its pretty heartrending to see them in such a state even though i dont even know them at all.
when you are confronted by the same scene ad infinitum in other wards as well, its little wonder why its so easy to get sick in the hospital.
the sight of people suffering, the inability to help them whatsoever be it moral or medical support, that helplessness, is a major emotional dampener on the path to recovery.
---
did i mention that the window sights on the top floor of ttsh is... relaxing?
it overlooks the whole hospital, its specialist clinic wing and the main wing, and the other buildings as well. one of the particular building that left me impressed was this hotel with its intricate lighting display (think its called oasia hotel).
looking out of the window and into the dark void that's peppered with tons of lighting, its pretty soothing.
----
anyway, while this whole incident is something i wouldnt want to happen if possible, it was an invaluable experience for me.
---------------------------
hospital talk aside, this thought dominated my mind for the past half a year.
initially i thought this was a passing thought, you know, it'll probably go away over time. but now, i realized that this isn't as random as i expected.
who am i, and what do i want with myself? after all, im already 20, and i should know what i want, right?
i am not too sure what sparked off such a thought, but i find myself unable to answer that question for the past half year.
i really dont know.
looking back since primary school all the way to secondary, JC and now in NS, i feel like i've been moving along based on what others guide me to without question.
it... feels like my character, my personality, my identity is an amalgamation of others.
it feels like i am just a copy of all other people that i have met.
also, even up to now, i am still unsure of the goals that i truly want in life.
well, i know i want to be some sort of crazy director/researcher in a crazy research firm or industry.
but beyond that, are there still things that i really want?(material things aside, those aren't important in the greater scheme of things)
....i do not know.
no amount of help from others, nor theory from books can help me, for its a question that i must find out myself if i am to seek any form of closure.
------
perhaps when uni starts, the picture may become clearer in my mind.
it is therefore critical, that this question can at least be addressed, even if partially, when university starts.
i have 4 years to find out the answer to it, or if there is actually even an answer to it.
------
since its the norm to make a resolution at the start of each year, ill make one simple resolution for 2012.
i would like to die a little bit earlier.
now now, dont call the SOS hotline just yet, let me explain.
no, i do not have any suicide tendencies, and no i do not slash my wrists (for the record, suicide is such a cheesy method to end your life imo)
(also, no i am not going on a food binge to harm myself(only 1 fast food meal per month max condition still applies and as much veggies as possible per meal), and i still am going to exercise as well on a regular basis (min 3-4 times per week))
its just that there isnt much point living so long if it isnt that meaningful at all; i would rather have a shorter life but having a jam-packed, explosive barrage of activities and things to do to keep me occupied, and then die in an awesome blaze of glory (i hope)
besides, as you grow old you start to lose your faculties and mobility and stuff, and that basically isnt great at all.
all in all, im not going to find death.
instead, ill wait for death to knock on my door instead, and when that time comes, ill happily embrace eternal slumber.
until then, i think i know just the way...
------
seeing my godmother suffering from alzheimers disease is ... completely surreal.
in the span of just 1.5 year, she has gone from "oh its gary right" to "err its.... g...." to "............" (completely silent, all form of speech recoginition lost apart from voicing out basic needs like food, sleep)
if alzheimers isnt an official affliction, it would seem like something completely out from a fiction novel.
its... really frightening. it feels like a bad joke gone out of hand.
----
bought a piano from yahama this christmas.
while i am surprised by myself that i still can read music sheets (although very slowly), my hands are no longer as agile as it used to be (its kind of stiff actually).
well, nothing like a good, long piano practice alone does wonders to the mind and soul.
-------
went to visit the USS george washington again.
too bad didnt bring a camera along this time, but it is still just as impressive as the first time i visited in 2010.
pity this might be the last time i step foot on an aircraft carrier (maybe one last time before i leave service, but not confirmed)
------------
i would like to work overseas in time to come.
mainly for the experience i suppose. but i would also like to take a chance to live in some sort of rustic town where the population isnt that high.
would really like to live on my own someday.
----------
you know, if there is a life lesson to be learnt in the military, it would be that you can never fully trust anyone.
i am aware that its a rather extreme position, but a valid one.
it is so difficult for me to trust anyone, when i cannot fully determine their motive or intentions.
maybe thats why i dont really have that much friends in that sense.
maybe this is life's little joke for me. that is fine though, ill manage.
--------
even though im already 20, i still feel like i have the mentality of a primary 1 school kid.
like im just not mature enough. odd that those report cards that i had since secondary school says otherwise.
what does it really mean to be mature however? does it imply some sort of sacrifice or selflessness on one's part?
........this is no good. im walking in circles.
---------
well, spent 2 hours just trying to remember and typing it out.
blogger can really suck the time out of you if you're not careful, heh.
------------
i am still glad that i still have this blog after all this time.
its the only outlet where i can fully write what i want with no repercussions (of course, no racist remarks rule applies) whatsoever, and far away from the viewing eyes of others.
---------
i might seal off this blog eventually when the time comes.
maybe i could create a folder on the desktop and then type whatever i want on microsoft words, and then save into the folder.
not a bad idea actually.
or maybe i could just lock it up. works just as fine, granted that it doesnt get cracked by a codebreaker.
----------
well, that pretty much sums up this year.
anyway, lets start.
---
i am kind of sad that pageone's no longer operating in singapore when their flagship store closes in mid-feb.
had some sort of attachment to it; in fact, i think its the only reason why i would even consider going to vivocity at all. its one of those few stores where i can spend one to two hours easily glancing through books and spending quite a bit of money on it.
apart from kino, i dont think any other bookstores can compete with pageone's presentation and variety of books offered.
gotta stop by once or twice before it closes down for good.
ah, i know! when i go submit the supporting documents to NUS i'll stop by. el perfecto!
(and yes i went to the warehouse sale, and as i expected, it was a disappointment for me)
---
this final month has been a little bit exciting to say the least, with mom landing in hospital due to some sort of spinal infection just a day or two before going off to nz, compounded by the fact that almost everyone else went ahead with the holiday (save myself and the maid).
i dont blame them for going ahead to NZ, after all, its 4k per head; no refund whatsoever since the deposit has already been made in full months ago, and the withdrawal period has long past. besides, this happened without any warnings given.
my initial guess when i got wind that she got warded due to numbness was stroke, but fortunately it turned out to be spinal infection (not that it isnt serious, it is STILL serious, but relatively aint as bad as stroke)
so long story short, for that 1 to 2 weeks, i stopped by changi, and subsequently tan tock seng on evenings after camp to see her. fortunately still have ample (well didnt even use a single leave for the whole year) leave to clear, so it wasnt that bad for me. (and ladies and gentleman, this is why you do not spend your leaves aimlessly; you keep it for critical situations like this)
(on a completely unrelated note, visiting her while wearing no.3 does make me feel like public enemy #1; not that i mind, but its akin to wearing a signboard pointing towards me, saying "OH HEY GUYS LOOK AT ME, I AM A MILITARY PERSONNEL, PLEASE PUT MY FACE ON STOMP IF I DO ANYTHING WRONG")
(on another unrelated note, the differences between class B and A wards are worlds apart. i think even worlds apart might be an understatement actually.)
(on yet another unrelated note, the fish soup at the kopitiam is not bad. [well this is random but i thought i should put it out])
(ok one last random note - bought my first starbucks drink ever in the hospital, man what a blunder it was, ill talk more later)
in hindsight, even though landing in hospital does suck, i am glad that it happened in the sense that it gave me the opportunity to have some serious talk with my mom. things that i would never ever talk about when my brothers are around her, or with other strangers. personal talk, to put it bluntly.
normally i rarely talk to her, partly due to a lack of topics (i think this happens to almost everyone i meet, a problem of mine actually), and its kind of clear that she likes my 2nd bro more anyway (subject to debate of course, but thats from my perspective)
now she's out of the hospital, recovering at home for the next month.
---
anyway, first starbucks drink ordered in tan tock seng. (why would ttsh even allow such an establishment to set up in their premises, after all, starbucks isnt healthy persay)
well, being a greenhorn, i looked at the menu. and used the wrong format to order the drink that i wanted (i think it was some sort of chocolate chip drink or whatever, cant remember, it was that festive special thing). i used the espresso format (i.e. decaffeinated, hot/cold etc) to order that festive drink.
man, the look on the cashier was priceless when i tried to order my drink.
the cashier look at me as if i was some sort of person who lives under a rock (dont blame her though); after some attempts i told her i dont know how to order, she thought i didnt know what to have and started suggesting some drinks.
oh boy.
eventually i got the idea and knew how to order, and got my drink as wanted. brought it back to the room where my mom was and started eating dinner with her. (single room, so tons and tons of space to eat)
drink was too sweet to my liking, and definitely unhealthy by any standards.
lets just say that if possible, i want to make that the last drink i ever have from starbucks.
(their sandwiches are nice however, although overpriced - also something i dont want to buy again unless im dead hungry)
---
for the first 2-3 days after transferring from changi to ttsh (due to lack of neurologist specialists in changi), mom was stuck in b ward because of a lack of rooms available for a ward(sharing with 3 other patients in the same room; 4 beds per room)
without a doubt, my mom was arguably the best of shapes when compared to the other 3, which speaks volume about the physical conditions of the rest, given how serious her condition was.
two elderly ladies, one of which was frail and skinny, devoid of any emotions apart from the occasional writhing pain when the nurses administer the necessary medications, another having a bad fall off a bed and surrounded by medical equipments (yes a bed, its laughable when you're young, but 40, 50 years down the road you'll see how such a seemingly trivial event can be deadly).
the last lady... middle aged, younger than my mom for sure, but also pretty weak as well.
pretty sure all these ladies didnt want to get sick in the first place and the state at they're in right now. its pretty heartrending to see them in such a state even though i dont even know them at all.
when you are confronted by the same scene ad infinitum in other wards as well, its little wonder why its so easy to get sick in the hospital.
the sight of people suffering, the inability to help them whatsoever be it moral or medical support, that helplessness, is a major emotional dampener on the path to recovery.
---
did i mention that the window sights on the top floor of ttsh is... relaxing?
it overlooks the whole hospital, its specialist clinic wing and the main wing, and the other buildings as well. one of the particular building that left me impressed was this hotel with its intricate lighting display (think its called oasia hotel).
looking out of the window and into the dark void that's peppered with tons of lighting, its pretty soothing.
----
anyway, while this whole incident is something i wouldnt want to happen if possible, it was an invaluable experience for me.
---------------------------
hospital talk aside, this thought dominated my mind for the past half a year.
initially i thought this was a passing thought, you know, it'll probably go away over time. but now, i realized that this isn't as random as i expected.
who am i, and what do i want with myself? after all, im already 20, and i should know what i want, right?
i am not too sure what sparked off such a thought, but i find myself unable to answer that question for the past half year.
i really dont know.
looking back since primary school all the way to secondary, JC and now in NS, i feel like i've been moving along based on what others guide me to without question.
it... feels like my character, my personality, my identity is an amalgamation of others.
it feels like i am just a copy of all other people that i have met.
also, even up to now, i am still unsure of the goals that i truly want in life.
well, i know i want to be some sort of crazy director/researcher in a crazy research firm or industry.
but beyond that, are there still things that i really want?(material things aside, those aren't important in the greater scheme of things)
....i do not know.
no amount of help from others, nor theory from books can help me, for its a question that i must find out myself if i am to seek any form of closure.
------
perhaps when uni starts, the picture may become clearer in my mind.
it is therefore critical, that this question can at least be addressed, even if partially, when university starts.
i have 4 years to find out the answer to it, or if there is actually even an answer to it.
------
since its the norm to make a resolution at the start of each year, ill make one simple resolution for 2012.
i would like to die a little bit earlier.
now now, dont call the SOS hotline just yet, let me explain.
no, i do not have any suicide tendencies, and no i do not slash my wrists (for the record, suicide is such a cheesy method to end your life imo)
(also, no i am not going on a food binge to harm myself(only 1 fast food meal per month max condition still applies and as much veggies as possible per meal), and i still am going to exercise as well on a regular basis (min 3-4 times per week))
its just that there isnt much point living so long if it isnt that meaningful at all; i would rather have a shorter life but having a jam-packed, explosive barrage of activities and things to do to keep me occupied, and then die in an awesome blaze of glory (i hope)
besides, as you grow old you start to lose your faculties and mobility and stuff, and that basically isnt great at all.
all in all, im not going to find death.
instead, ill wait for death to knock on my door instead, and when that time comes, ill happily embrace eternal slumber.
until then, i think i know just the way...
------
seeing my godmother suffering from alzheimers disease is ... completely surreal.
in the span of just 1.5 year, she has gone from "oh its gary right" to "err its.... g...." to "............" (completely silent, all form of speech recoginition lost apart from voicing out basic needs like food, sleep)
if alzheimers isnt an official affliction, it would seem like something completely out from a fiction novel.
its... really frightening. it feels like a bad joke gone out of hand.
----
bought a piano from yahama this christmas.
while i am surprised by myself that i still can read music sheets (although very slowly), my hands are no longer as agile as it used to be (its kind of stiff actually).
well, nothing like a good, long piano practice alone does wonders to the mind and soul.
-------
went to visit the USS george washington again.
too bad didnt bring a camera along this time, but it is still just as impressive as the first time i visited in 2010.
pity this might be the last time i step foot on an aircraft carrier (maybe one last time before i leave service, but not confirmed)
------------
i would like to work overseas in time to come.
mainly for the experience i suppose. but i would also like to take a chance to live in some sort of rustic town where the population isnt that high.
would really like to live on my own someday.
----------
you know, if there is a life lesson to be learnt in the military, it would be that you can never fully trust anyone.
i am aware that its a rather extreme position, but a valid one.
it is so difficult for me to trust anyone, when i cannot fully determine their motive or intentions.
maybe thats why i dont really have that much friends in that sense.
maybe this is life's little joke for me. that is fine though, ill manage.
--------
even though im already 20, i still feel like i have the mentality of a primary 1 school kid.
like im just not mature enough. odd that those report cards that i had since secondary school says otherwise.
what does it really mean to be mature however? does it imply some sort of sacrifice or selflessness on one's part?
........this is no good. im walking in circles.
---------
well, spent 2 hours just trying to remember and typing it out.
blogger can really suck the time out of you if you're not careful, heh.
------------
i am still glad that i still have this blog after all this time.
its the only outlet where i can fully write what i want with no repercussions (of course, no racist remarks rule applies) whatsoever, and far away from the viewing eyes of others.
---------
i might seal off this blog eventually when the time comes.
maybe i could create a folder on the desktop and then type whatever i want on microsoft words, and then save into the folder.
not a bad idea actually.
or maybe i could just lock it up. works just as fine, granted that it doesnt get cracked by a codebreaker.
----------
well, that pretty much sums up this year.
12/31/2011 11:23:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Monday, May 9
after this whole general election hoo-hah, i get the feeling that there is an anti-foreigner sentiment lingering in the air.
its more of like "OH COME ON FOREIGNERS, THEY TOOK OUR JOBS,OUR WOMEN(well im not too sure about that but whatever), BUT THEY WONT STEAL OUR DIGNI- GOD DAMN IT" and variations of it.
i can truly understand why though.
the day after the election, during dinner, i ate out with my mother and my bro (hey, he's now a full-fledged teacher now! +500 x 10^50 respect points) at a nearby zhi char stall since tampines mall/century square was too crowded due to mothers day. (besides, in my honest opinion, most of the f&b outlets are overrated, and overpriced as well)
she was talking about how her colleague's son, who had graduated from NUS EE(electric engine) with a 2nd upper, had been struggling to find a job. it seems that according to my mom, he had went for various job fairs and was largely unsuccessful. when he actually got a job interview, the biggest stumbling block was apparantly the monthly pay. with his degree, he was offered 1.8k/m. when asked why such a low pay was offered, the employer simply pointed out that there were foreigners with the same/better qualifications who are willing to work for that amount hence the same offer was made to him.
i have two opinions on this issue:
1) 1.8k per month with a 2nd upper degree in my honest opinion, is no better than having just an o level cert and going into the workforce. in short, he studied in vain. (after all, the purpose of studying is to acquire a better paying job in the workforce, is it not?) (well, studying is partially a hobby for me but who cares)
2) with current cost of living, 1.8k is barely sustainable.
it is indeed unfortunate that such a situation is occuring right now.
i should keep my options open to beyond singapore, and work harder as well.
(in hindsight, i should push myself to pick up another language proficiency ; in this society where self-improvement is the keyword, bilingualism just doesnt cut it anymore.)
---
also, during dinner, my bro brought up his experiences during his teaching stint (for the past 6-12 months as a trainee teacher in a secondary school) [and no, i wont name the school but its your typical fully-government subsidized school].
he mentioned that almost 40% of the students relied on copouns in order to get their daily food, and that he had encountered a particular problematic student while teaching. (i mean no malice to the student here, but i cant think of any other way to describe the student other than problematic based on what i heard from my bro.)
first thing that came to my mind is the staggering percentage of students still relying on copouns. and i thought copouns was so 1980s to 1990s when singapore's economy was yet to be a full-fledged one.
fourty percent. thats 2 in 5.
i know that our economy is indeed impressive with positive growth on GDP's and what not, but if thats the case, they how is it even remotely possible that within a school itself, there is such a disproportionate amount of students/families who are still that poor to have to rely on copouns. it is indeed a tragedy that while our economy is stellar, the benefits are not uniformly spreaded across the general populace.
i can only hope that his school is the only anomaly in the island.
---
there are some students with a less-than-optimal family background, who can truimph such adversity to achieve success in life. unfortunately, in reality, there will always be the other group of students who languish in poverty and are unable to achieve or unlock what could be their true potential in life.
this brings me to the 'problematic' student that my brother faced.
this so-called problematic student is your sterotypical 'bad' student - sleeps in class, wouldn't even look at his assignment, skips classes, poor grades.
however, when my brother dug further into this student's background, he is not a 'bad' student actually - it is just that his family background isnt great, with his parents not giving a damn about him, quoting (as what my brother said) "oh, if you want to cane him go ahead, no problem". i am not in a position to judge, but i guess that his family background had a strong negative impact on the student and his well-being.
my bro took great pains to give him a 1-to-1 lesson after school (because he just sleep through the classes in the morning), sometimes even up to 8-9pm. somehow, the boy made small, but definite improvements in his grades.
at the last day of my bro's stint, apparantly the boy apologized to him for causing trouble. in his true bastardery (lolmadeupword), he said "i glad you knew".
in short, all 'bad' students are not 'bad' - i believe that they wouldn't choose this path either if their surrounding factors and conditions were more favourable.
and mad respect for my brother. sure we arent exactly talking that well - we usually only talk out of home, but its a great personal sacrifice for him. i respect that.
and also, i am glad to had such great teachers along the way throughout the years to guide this wayward boy (me) from such issues.
thanks.
(oh dear, this is derailing into a OH LOOK, MY BRO IS AWESOME NOW BOW BEFORE HIM post, but i have to admit that teachers have the most noble (and hardest) job in the world)
(and yes, on double-reading this again, i feel that this post is a tad broken i.e. incoherent but oh well)
----
oh yes, i sprung a trick on my grandmother.
i asked her: "do you hate the opposition (in the constituency)?"
she replied that she prefered the current incumbent government.
"good! later when you go to the polling station, prove how much you support the incumbent by putting a big fat cross on the opposition to show that you want to cross out the opposition."
unfortunately, she saw through it and gave me a slap.
oh snap.
----
i've been to the opposition rally in bedok and tampines last week, and i have to admit that that the atmosphere is something that is very, very difficult to replicate.
we live in such exciting times.
----
am still waiting for news from the nus front. oh come on, if you wanted to award it to someone else please do it, dont leave me hanging. :/
---
you know, if anything, NS taught me to be more resourceful.
having said that, less than 1 more year to go! charge on!
---
oh great, i am out of stuff to type again.
ill type again sometime in the future when i have some thoughts to pen down.
(ha ha ha silly gary, how can you pen down something on the internet? you aint even using a pen to write persay)
its more of like "OH COME ON FOREIGNERS, THEY TOOK OUR JOBS,
i can truly understand why though.
the day after the election, during dinner, i ate out with my mother and my bro (hey, he's now a full-fledged teacher now! +500 x 10^50 respect points) at a nearby zhi char stall since tampines mall/century square was too crowded due to mothers day. (besides, in my honest opinion, most of the f&b outlets are overrated, and overpriced as well)
she was talking about how her colleague's son, who had graduated from NUS EE(electric engine) with a 2nd upper, had been struggling to find a job. it seems that according to my mom, he had went for various job fairs and was largely unsuccessful. when he actually got a job interview, the biggest stumbling block was apparantly the monthly pay. with his degree, he was offered 1.8k/m. when asked why such a low pay was offered, the employer simply pointed out that there were foreigners with the same/better qualifications who are willing to work for that amount hence the same offer was made to him.
i have two opinions on this issue:
1) 1.8k per month with a 2nd upper degree in my honest opinion, is no better than having just an o level cert and going into the workforce. in short, he studied in vain. (after all, the purpose of studying is to acquire a better paying job in the workforce, is it not?) (well, studying is partially a hobby for me but who cares)
2) with current cost of living, 1.8k is barely sustainable.
it is indeed unfortunate that such a situation is occuring right now.
i should keep my options open to beyond singapore, and work harder as well.
(in hindsight, i should push myself to pick up another language proficiency ; in this society where self-improvement is the keyword, bilingualism just doesnt cut it anymore.)
---
also, during dinner, my bro brought up his experiences during his teaching stint (for the past 6-12 months as a trainee teacher in a secondary school) [and no, i wont name the school but its your typical fully-government subsidized school].
he mentioned that almost 40% of the students relied on copouns in order to get their daily food, and that he had encountered a particular problematic student while teaching. (i mean no malice to the student here, but i cant think of any other way to describe the student other than problematic based on what i heard from my bro.)
first thing that came to my mind is the staggering percentage of students still relying on copouns. and i thought copouns was so 1980s to 1990s when singapore's economy was yet to be a full-fledged one.
fourty percent. thats 2 in 5.
i know that our economy is indeed impressive with positive growth on GDP's and what not, but if thats the case, they how is it even remotely possible that within a school itself, there is such a disproportionate amount of students/families who are still that poor to have to rely on copouns. it is indeed a tragedy that while our economy is stellar, the benefits are not uniformly spreaded across the general populace.
i can only hope that his school is the only anomaly in the island.
---
there are some students with a less-than-optimal family background, who can truimph such adversity to achieve success in life. unfortunately, in reality, there will always be the other group of students who languish in poverty and are unable to achieve or unlock what could be their true potential in life.
this brings me to the 'problematic' student that my brother faced.
this so-called problematic student is your sterotypical 'bad' student - sleeps in class, wouldn't even look at his assignment, skips classes, poor grades.
however, when my brother dug further into this student's background, he is not a 'bad' student actually - it is just that his family background isnt great, with his parents not giving a damn about him, quoting (as what my brother said) "oh, if you want to cane him go ahead, no problem". i am not in a position to judge, but i guess that his family background had a strong negative impact on the student and his well-being.
my bro took great pains to give him a 1-to-1 lesson after school (because he just sleep through the classes in the morning), sometimes even up to 8-9pm. somehow, the boy made small, but definite improvements in his grades.
at the last day of my bro's stint, apparantly the boy apologized to him for causing trouble. in his true bastardery (lolmadeupword), he said "i glad you knew".
in short, all 'bad' students are not 'bad' - i believe that they wouldn't choose this path either if their surrounding factors and conditions were more favourable.
and mad respect for my brother. sure we arent exactly talking that well - we usually only talk out of home, but its a great personal sacrifice for him. i respect that.
and also, i am glad to had such great teachers along the way throughout the years to guide this wayward boy (me) from such issues.
thanks.
(oh dear, this is derailing into a OH LOOK, MY BRO IS AWESOME NOW BOW BEFORE HIM post, but i have to admit that teachers have the most noble (and hardest) job in the world)
(and yes, on double-reading this again, i feel that this post is a tad broken i.e. incoherent but oh well)
----
oh yes, i sprung a trick on my grandmother.
i asked her: "do you hate the opposition (in the constituency)?"
she replied that she prefered the current incumbent government.
"good! later when you go to the polling station, prove how much you support the incumbent by putting a big fat cross on the opposition to show that you want to cross out the opposition."
unfortunately, she saw through it and gave me a slap.
oh snap.
----
i've been to the opposition rally in bedok and tampines last week, and i have to admit that that the atmosphere is something that is very, very difficult to replicate.
we live in such exciting times.
----
am still waiting for news from the nus front. oh come on, if you wanted to award it to someone else please do it, dont leave me hanging. :/
---
you know, if anything, NS taught me to be more resourceful.
having said that, less than 1 more year to go! charge on!
---
oh great, i am out of stuff to type again.
ill type again sometime in the future when i have some thoughts to pen down.
(ha ha ha silly gary, how can you pen down something on the internet? you aint even using a pen to write persay)
5/09/2011 11:10:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Monday, December 6
parents and maid out for holiday.
i like the fact that i have the whole house to myself for the entire week.
---
browsed through youtube for good piece of piano works.
and then i stumbled onto this program labelled Synthesia.
i feel rather tempted to purchase a digital keyboard to come with the program.
but then again i wouldnt know where to put that damn stuff, with the entire desk space being eaten by my computer.
good grief, i really missed playing the piano for once.
---
since parents aren't around, and there's no one to stop me from doing stupid things, its time to play IRON CHEF. =D
i bought all the materials needed for a simple plate of pasta.
...actually on second thoughts, i havent bought the cheese yet. OH GOD THE CHEESE. HOW COULD I FORGET.
oh well, ill buy after the badminton session.
---
although its already 2010, i still cant shake off the 2009 mentality.
---
almost a year in NS.
after all the thrills and spills, i got to admit its still an overall positive experience so far.
till now, i really really apperciate/liked my commanding officer for placing me on a free guided tour on a uss george washington aircraft carrier back in mid august.
even though they didnt show us the reactor core (its bloody nuclear for gods sake, not even PPE's that i wear can save my life adequetely), it was still awesome.
cant wait for the next aircraft carrier to hit base!
---
i wonder if my CT has seen my email..
---
bought even morrrrre books from kino. joy to the world!
about 100 bucks worth of books. looks like im moving ever closer to a mini-library at home!
money well spent in my opinion, as compared to buying random computer games that provide temporary distraction (well i still play some though which are compelling).
---
almost a month left to the traffic police test.
i should take my remaining lessons with utmost seriousness.
---
it feels really nice to have the whole house quiet for now.
to some degree it feels like time has stopped momentarily, allowing me to regain my composure and momentum as the world continues to progress at a breakneck speed.
in short, it feels zen.
i like the fact that i have the whole house to myself for the entire week.
---
browsed through youtube for good piece of piano works.
and then i stumbled onto this program labelled Synthesia.
i feel rather tempted to purchase a digital keyboard to come with the program.
but then again i wouldnt know where to put that damn stuff, with the entire desk space being eaten by my computer.
good grief, i really missed playing the piano for once.
---
since parents aren't around, and there's no one to stop me from doing stupid things, its time to play IRON CHEF. =D
i bought all the materials needed for a simple plate of pasta.
...actually on second thoughts, i havent bought the cheese yet. OH GOD THE CHEESE. HOW COULD I FORGET.
oh well, ill buy after the badminton session.
---
although its already 2010, i still cant shake off the 2009 mentality.
---
almost a year in NS.
after all the thrills and spills, i got to admit its still an overall positive experience so far.
till now, i really really apperciate/liked my commanding officer for placing me on a free guided tour on a uss george washington aircraft carrier back in mid august.
even though they didnt show us the reactor core (its bloody nuclear for gods sake, not even PPE's that i wear can save my life adequetely), it was still awesome.
cant wait for the next aircraft carrier to hit base!
---
i wonder if my CT has seen my email..
---
bought even morrrrre books from kino. joy to the world!
about 100 bucks worth of books. looks like im moving ever closer to a mini-library at home!
money well spent in my opinion, as compared to buying random computer games that provide temporary distraction (well i still play some though which are compelling).
---
almost a month left to the traffic police test.
i should take my remaining lessons with utmost seriousness.
---
it feels really nice to have the whole house quiet for now.
to some degree it feels like time has stopped momentarily, allowing me to regain my composure and momentum as the world continues to progress at a breakneck speed.
in short, it feels zen.
12/06/2010 11:43:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Wednesday, September 15
to begin with, lets look at the definition of speculation:
spec·u·la·tion (spky-lshn) n.
1.
a. Contemplation or consideration of a subject; meditation.
b. A conclusion, opinion, or theory reached by conjecture.
c. Reasoning based on inconclusive evidence; conjecture or supposition.
2.
a. Engagement in risky business transactions on the chance of quick or considerable profit.
b. A commercial or financial transaction involving speculation.
i think most people, if not all, have seen the effects of speculations in the world economy. we've seen market crashes because of it, artificial price spikes resulting in the lower classes being reduced to almost nothing, and this list goes on ad infinitum.
i believe that is pretty well established.
however, i think what needs to be highlighted/mentioned is speculations on other people.
speculating on others could well be a potentially dangerous move. reason being that it could ruin/troll the person affected pretty badly.
lets assume this hypothetical scenario.
person W, X , Y and Z are all workers in an office. person W and Z are seniors.
person W noticed that person X's work performance has been slipping rather drastically, and concluded that it was because of Y's charm that resulted in his mediocre performance based on some rumour.
person W complains to person Z, who is Y's boss.
Y then breaks this news to others outside the office.
now, one could potentially see how this situation could spiral out of control should either X or Y, or even both realize of this issue? it might give rise to an awkward work environment, or at the worst-case scenario, negative behaviour which results in a further decrease in work standards.
fortunately, this is just a hypothetical situation, but i suppose there are others who have faced worse.
at this juncture, i would like to make a disclaimer here; i am all okay with the act of speculating - it is impossible to stop anyone, or everyone from speculating about things. besides, you can even argue that it is human nature to just make assertions from thin air (sometimes).
however,a caveat must be issued here - i cannot stress how dangerous it is; its akin to walking on thin ice.
in short, you are free to make speculations, but be ready for the fallout that comes with it. its a ticking time bomb that is just awaiting to explode.
---
hey, life in the army in conjuction with jc life does teach you some invaluable life lessons.
---
back to reading, enough musings.
spec·u·la·tion (spky-lshn) n.
1.
a. Contemplation or consideration of a subject; meditation.
b. A conclusion, opinion, or theory reached by conjecture.
c. Reasoning based on inconclusive evidence; conjecture or supposition.
2.
a. Engagement in risky business transactions on the chance of quick or considerable profit.
b. A commercial or financial transaction involving speculation.
i think most people, if not all, have seen the effects of speculations in the world economy. we've seen market crashes because of it, artificial price spikes resulting in the lower classes being reduced to almost nothing, and this list goes on ad infinitum.
i believe that is pretty well established.
however, i think what needs to be highlighted/mentioned is speculations on other people.
speculating on others could well be a potentially dangerous move. reason being that it could ruin/troll the person affected pretty badly.
lets assume this hypothetical scenario.
person W, X , Y and Z are all workers in an office. person W and Z are seniors.
person W noticed that person X's work performance has been slipping rather drastically, and concluded that it was because of Y's charm that resulted in his mediocre performance based on some rumour.
person W complains to person Z, who is Y's boss.
Y then breaks this news to others outside the office.
now, one could potentially see how this situation could spiral out of control should either X or Y, or even both realize of this issue? it might give rise to an awkward work environment, or at the worst-case scenario, negative behaviour which results in a further decrease in work standards.
fortunately, this is just a hypothetical situation, but i suppose there are others who have faced worse.
at this juncture, i would like to make a disclaimer here; i am all okay with the act of speculating - it is impossible to stop anyone, or everyone from speculating about things. besides, you can even argue that it is human nature to just make assertions from thin air (sometimes).
however,a caveat must be issued here - i cannot stress how dangerous it is; its akin to walking on thin ice.
in short, you are free to make speculations, but be ready for the fallout that comes with it. its a ticking time bomb that is just awaiting to explode.
---
hey, life in the army in conjuction with jc life does teach you some invaluable life lessons.
---
back to reading, enough musings.
9/15/2010 09:26:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Saturday, August 7
birthday today.
things done:
lazing at home/playing computer games
reading books
studying for driving/reading on permutations
running at bedok reservoir/east coast
eating cup noodles for dinner
all by myself.
i wish every single day was this peaceful.
things done:
lazing at home/playing computer games
reading books
studying for driving/reading on permutations
running at bedok reservoir/east coast
eating cup noodles for dinner
all by myself.
i wish every single day was this peaceful.
8/07/2010 10:40:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Wednesday, August 4
had a pretty embarassing moment in facebook.
you might think "OH LOL, IS THAT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE" unfortunately it is.
out of boredom, i kinda checked facebook and basically scour through all the front page news.
so i checked out one of my former friend's photo gallery, and while browsing i accidentally clicked 'liked' on one of the photos.
basically, when you 'like' or type a comment or something facebook has this apparant knack of informing that person like as if it was a life-and-death scenario and that person has to know it immediately, as a result it leaves no room for error for 'unliking' it.
so ultimately she was aware of it, i wasn't, cue awkward moment.
long story short, i screwed up. way to go gary!
things to learn from this (embarassing) moment:
1) i should watch where i click and
2) dont use facebook too often. dont use facebook too often. dont use faceobok too often. dont use facebook too often. its bad enough that i'm cultivating a more nosy behaviour by looking at what others do when it isnt necessary at all.
..perhaps i should self-impose an ip ban on facebook on my own internet.
---
my superior handed me a book on human resource management from some uni.
by the end of this two years, i would probably end up adept enough to pick up a business degree as well! LOL
but seriously though, whats with those weird business practices like just-in-time method or whatnots, they dont exactly make much sense irl.
oh whatever, doesnt matter. i'm just like 1/250th into the book itself anyway.
---
the trip to the medical centre was fun.
having a instant-ticket to see a doctor with minimal downtime, seeing a splitting image of my brother as the medical officer (and his attitude is also the same as well), getting my blood drawn twice just because they can, and a first timer NSF doing the honors of taking my ribena-colored blood.
man, that was fun.
---
oh did i mentioned that my very first practical lesson outside the circuit was also so exciting?
from ubi to temasek poly and to the industrial zone and back. striked the kerb once (yes just once, it isnt that bad i swear) on the right turn heading to bedok reservoir.) stuff's exhilarating when your driving instructor has a pretty interesting/loony personality as you.
driving can be fun, as long as your instructor is awesome.
"driving is like working in the SAF, you can do anything on the road, just dont get caught" -driving instructor
---
running at east coast at night feels zen.
nobody's around but yourself. feels great man.
---
laptop LCD screen spoilt. :( lines on the right half of the screen itself.
---
in life, i learnt two things:
when in doubt, smile, and move on.
when in trouble, smile, and move on.
---
sent two emails to my teachers requesting for their appraisal.
talk about being late (missed this year's application) but fortunately there's still next year.
i should wake up and realize that i was, and am still a minnow all this time.
wonder if they have responded to it anyway. hopefully they do but even if they dont i won't hold any hard feelings against them; anyway, i should had approached them earlier.
after all, i dont intend to leech on my parents for much longer either. its all fun and games if you leech on them until they depart from this realm.
---
thats enough musings for now.
i think this post was made in an attempt to remove some guilt on me regarding the facebook fiasco. LOL.
you might think "OH LOL, IS THAT EVEN REMOTELY POSSIBLE" unfortunately it is.
out of boredom, i kinda checked facebook and basically scour through all the front page news.
so i checked out one of my former friend's photo gallery, and while browsing i accidentally clicked 'liked' on one of the photos.
basically, when you 'like' or type a comment or something facebook has this apparant knack of informing that person like as if it was a life-and-death scenario and that person has to know it immediately, as a result it leaves no room for error for 'unliking' it.
so ultimately she was aware of it, i wasn't, cue awkward moment.
long story short, i screwed up. way to go gary!
things to learn from this (embarassing) moment:
1) i should watch where i click and
2) dont use facebook too often. dont use facebook too often. dont use faceobok too often. dont use facebook too often. its bad enough that i'm cultivating a more nosy behaviour by looking at what others do when it isnt necessary at all.
..perhaps i should self-impose an ip ban on facebook on my own internet.
---
my superior handed me a book on human resource management from some uni.
by the end of this two years, i would probably end up adept enough to pick up a business degree as well! LOL
but seriously though, whats with those weird business practices like just-in-time method or whatnots, they dont exactly make much sense irl.
oh whatever, doesnt matter. i'm just like 1/250th into the book itself anyway.
---
the trip to the medical centre was fun.
having a instant-ticket to see a doctor with minimal downtime, seeing a splitting image of my brother as the medical officer (and his attitude is also the same as well), getting my blood drawn twice just because they can, and a first timer NSF doing the honors of taking my ribena-colored blood.
man, that was fun.
---
oh did i mentioned that my very first practical lesson outside the circuit was also so exciting?
from ubi to temasek poly and to the industrial zone and back. striked the kerb once (yes just once, it isnt that bad i swear) on the right turn heading to bedok reservoir.) stuff's exhilarating when your driving instructor has a pretty interesting/loony personality as you.
driving can be fun, as long as your instructor is awesome.
"driving is like working in the SAF, you can do anything on the road, just dont get caught" -driving instructor
---
running at east coast at night feels zen.
nobody's around but yourself. feels great man.
---
laptop LCD screen spoilt. :( lines on the right half of the screen itself.
---
in life, i learnt two things:
when in doubt, smile, and move on.
when in trouble, smile, and move on.
---
sent two emails to my teachers requesting for their appraisal.
talk about being late (missed this year's application) but fortunately there's still next year.
i should wake up and realize that i was, and am still a minnow all this time.
wonder if they have responded to it anyway. hopefully they do but even if they dont i won't hold any hard feelings against them; anyway, i should had approached them earlier.
after all, i dont intend to leech on my parents for much longer either. its all fun and games if you leech on them until they depart from this realm.
---
thats enough musings for now.
i think this post was made in an attempt to remove some guilt on me regarding the facebook fiasco. LOL.
8/04/2010 10:56:00 PM; shattered
dreams.
Sunday, July 25
college day.
at first, i was looking forward to it. everyday before then, i couldn't wait for the time to pass quickly such that today would come.
flash forward, all the way to today.
MJC has moved on, and all in the right direction. it even has a spunky museum (more like a gallery rather at the former atrium where i once studied/joke around with friends, photos all in facebook).
however, it then dawned on me that i have yet to move on. that was a fact which is literally, totally unmistakable.
somehow, i wished i had followed some of my friends and not attend the event.
from sitting in LT4 for the briefing to the moment i saw people queuing up for the academic awards, that sinking feeling which i am all too familiar with starts to creep in again.
that sinking, miserable feeling.
its that 'oh so close yet so far' feeling when you know that you're just centimetres away from achieving it but you fail to do so.
to put it in flowery language, there's this seemingly boundless void in my mind which somehow cant be mended even with a generous dosage of optimism.
the more i sat at that chair watching people go up the stage, the more my mind starts to scream at me for being incompetent.
eventually, it pretty much got the better of me, turning this supposedly proud moment as mentioned by miss lai, into the exact polar opposite. to others, it may be a glorious moment, but to me, it was a day of defeat, a day of commemoration for my own failure.
once i took the medal, i could no longer allow this guilt to gnaw at me any further. i basically retreated back into the control room, a place which i once called home, a place which i previously sought solace and respite from the world.
this time round however, it could not shelther me from the intensity of this scar that exists in my mind.
this feels bad.
---
after college day, i took a step back, and sent a question to NUS regarding scholarship issues.
something which i kinda ignored but realized how foolish i am.
---
had a pretty ok meal with zixi and khye at the hk cafe in white sands.
---
at first, i was looking forward to it. everyday before then, i couldn't wait for the time to pass quickly such that today would come.
flash forward, all the way to today.
MJC has moved on, and all in the right direction. it even has a spunky museum (more like a gallery rather at the former atrium where i once studied/joke around with friends, photos all in facebook).
however, it then dawned on me that i have yet to move on. that was a fact which is literally, totally unmistakable.
somehow, i wished i had followed some of my friends and not attend the event.
from sitting in LT4 for the briefing to the moment i saw people queuing up for the academic awards, that sinking feeling which i am all too familiar with starts to creep in again.
that sinking, miserable feeling.
its that 'oh so close yet so far' feeling when you know that you're just centimetres away from achieving it but you fail to do so.
to put it in flowery language, there's this seemingly boundless void in my mind which somehow cant be mended even with a generous dosage of optimism.
the more i sat at that chair watching people go up the stage, the more my mind starts to scream at me for being incompetent.
eventually, it pretty much got the better of me, turning this supposedly proud moment as mentioned by miss lai, into the exact polar opposite. to others, it may be a glorious moment, but to me, it was a day of defeat, a day of commemoration for my own failure.
once i took the medal, i could no longer allow this guilt to gnaw at me any further. i basically retreated back into the control room, a place which i once called home, a place which i previously sought solace and respite from the world.
this time round however, it could not shelther me from the intensity of this scar that exists in my mind.
this feels bad.
---
after college day, i took a step back, and sent a question to NUS regarding scholarship issues.
something which i kinda ignored but realized how foolish i am.
---
had a pretty ok meal with zixi and khye at the hk cafe in white sands.
---
7/25/2010 08:27:00 AM; shattered
dreams.